Tuesday, 25 October 2016

So it turns out there might be a medical reason for my weight gain

When I first started piling on weight back in 2012 I was seriously worried that something was medically wrong with me. I assumed I might have poly cystic ovaries since I basically had all the symptoms and it is a ridiculously common thing in women in their 20's as I was at the time. Or perhaps an underactive thyroid was to blame.

My doctor assumed I was just looking for excuses for my weight gain and dismissed me. I was also complaining of gastrointestinal issues at the time but those were also dismissed and I was told I probably had IBS and there wasn't much anyone could do. I was given tablets for the stomach cramps, even although I didn't really have any cramps and basically told to go away.

No matter how many times I went to the doctor it was always the same, 'you just need to watch what you are eating a bit better' blah blah blah. I have eaten like a toddler my whole life and yes I have always been a little overweight but it was spiralling out of control for no obvious reason.

At the time I was in the best physical health of my life, I was also training for a 5k run which is something I would never have contemplated before. I was out running every day either before or after work depending on my shift, every single day! One might expect to lose a few pounds doing all that running but my weight was creeping up and up. At first I put it down to being back at college and eating rubbish canteen food, so I started taking my own lunches and it made no difference.

I ran that 5k in an outfit two sizes bigger than I had been before all this started. I couldn't believe it when I tried it on. How  on earth had I gained weight when all I had been doing was training for the race? I ran the 5k in a little over half an hour which I didn't think was bad for someone who had never ran the length of themselves before.

The weight was bugging me though and I was insistent that something was wrong. it just didn't sit right with me that I was putting on weight when I was doing ten times the amount of exercise I used to do. We moved to the city at this time so I had to register with a new doctor and I told them of my concerns. They agreed to run bloods to check my thyroid but when they came back ok they weren't interested anymore.

I have mentioned it to different doctors at my practice since, the weight gain and the gastro stuff. no one is interested they all keep telling me to join a slimming group. I go to the gym all the time, ok I take the occasional week off but I go to the gym a lot. I don't eat well, I never have and I never will, but I eat better than I ever did before when I was thin.

Then I ended up in the emergency GP one night with suspected gallstones, and finally the GP was interested in something I had to say. They booked a scan for me, which was negative for gallstones but now they at least admitted something might in fact be wrong.

At this time I pointed out that my partner had helicobacter pylori a couple of years ago and had very similar symptoms to what I had been having for years. I was told 'oh we don't routinely test family members of people who have that' I pointed out that I have had symptoms for years and probably have it but was again dismissed. I was started on omeprazole because I was still having what we thought was gallbladder pain before the scan.

When I went back to tell them that the omeprazole did in fact seem to be making a difference I mentioned the helicobacter again and finally my doctor agreed to test me. I really don't know what the fuss is about, if you have never had it before the test is just a simple blood test its hardly difficult. I had the test done that day and a few days later the phone rings.

Its the receptionist from the surgery asking me if I would be available the following day for a phone appointment with the doctor. I knew then that I had been right all along, the test was positive.

As it turns out, unexplained weight gain is a symptom of untreated helicobacter! I have been going on about this for four years and no on has listened! Unfortunately, getting rid of the helicobacter is no guarantee that the weight will drop off but it certainly wont hurt and it should hopefully stop the nasty GI symptoms I have been having.

The treatment is dual antibiotic therapy and working in an admissions unit in the biggest hospital in the country, being on lots of antibiotics is not a great idea when I am at work. Antibiotic use is a risk factor for some nasty infections and I don't want another infection on top of what I already have so I will wait till my annual leave next week before starting it. Hopefully the antibiotics don't make me feel too yukky.

Sunday, 9 October 2016

Well the shakes worked!!!

Ok from my last post you can tell that I was really worried how I would handle my shake challenge and really sceptical about it working.

I am very proud to say that I have lost five and a half lbs! in seven days!

I wasn't brave enough to try them out while I was working in case I felt really hungry so I waited till I was on annual leave and started them last week. The first day wasn't easy I will be honest but within the first three days I had realised that I could have a very small lunch by splitting my calorie allowance and the weight started dropping off, by day three I had lost three lbs.

I can honestly say that after the first two days I was not feeling hungry at all after my shakes and they actually tasted really nice. I had loads of energy which is not like me, I attribute that to the extra vitamins in the shakes since my regular diet is so rubbish.

in fact I loved my shakes so much I have decided to join my friend in becoming a distributor for forever living. I have now had the chance to try many of their products and there are none I don't love. I am using the heat gel on my sore back and shoulder, and the moisturiser on my dry skin. I feel great and I am noticing a massive difference in my skin.

I will always be a picky eater, and I think I will always struggle with food but maybe I have finally found something that can at least help with the weight.

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

I have to lose this weight - drastic measures

I know I need to lose this weight, it has very much been at the forefront of my mind recently. I feel awful, I am tired all the time and I have been sicker this year than I ever have been in my life.

This is almost certainly related to my diet, but more so I think to my weight. My diet is bad, I am fully aware of that but I am making the effort as much as possible and things are definitely better than they were. So why do I feel worse?

The obvious answer is my weight. Although my diet has improved somewhat, my weight has never recovered. I remain heavier than I used to be, and only three kilos lighter than I was when I started this journey. Something drastic needs to happen, and it needs to happen soon.

I started taking these tablets that reduce your body's absorption of carbs and fat from the foods you eat. I don't eat that much fat, but I sure do love my carbs. The problem is I take medication that can't be taken at the same time as the tablets, you need a clear two hour window between them. Since I do not have two hours to wait around in the mornings I can't take the tablets at breakfast. Not a huge deal I figure, better to take them twice a day than never. Only problem is that I have been forgetting to lift them to take them to work with me so they are really not doing anything for me. I am also a little worried about the effect they might have on my medication so although I was really into the idea when I bought them, I am now not so sure.

A good friend of mine has recently started working with one of those companies that sell all sorts of supplements, shakes and skincare stuff and was looking for some people to try their shakes for a week. I signed straight up! What the heck am I thinking? The plan is to have a shake for breakfast and lunch then eat a 600 calorie meal at night, you can have as much fruit and veg as you like as well.

It honestly sounds great, only breakfast is my favourite meal of the day, and the only one I eat reasonably consistently (not every day, but most days), I have no idea what a 600 calorie meal looks like and I don't eat a single fruit. I do eat four vegetables, but not on their own so that is no use either. What the heck? I am never going to be able to do this!

And this is without thinking about the taste/texture of the actual shakes, I have no idea what they are going to be like or if I will manage to even drink them in the first place. I have a feeling I may have bitten off more than I can chew here.

On the plus side, I guess it shows how serious I am about getting rid of this weight. I need to do something and it is only a week. If it doesn't work I guess I haven't lost much. I just hope that missing breakfast before work doesn't leave me hungry all day and affect my concentration because as a nurse, people's lives depend on my ability to concentrate and do my job safely and well.

I guess I have nothing to lose by giving it a try; except some unwanted weight that is!

Saturday, 18 June 2016

Back to the gym

I started back at the gym last night. It has been ages since I have been there. I got so disheartened with not losing any weight, then I took ill and it was the perfect excuse to stop going for a while.

I am getting pretty much nowhere with trying to change my diet, and absolutely nowhere with losing weight. In fact according to my scales, I have put three of the kilograms I lost back on recently. I am still under the weight I was when I first started on this journey by five kilos but putting anything back on still feels bad.

The good news is that I finally got a date for my ultrasound scan to see what is going on with this gallbladder. My bloods all came back ok so my own doctor is a little confused by the whole thing but I am sure that is what it is because sometimes when I eat I am in agony afterwords which is classic of a problem gallbladder.

What is not classic of a problem gallbladder is that the foods that set it off aren't always the same. For example on the rare occasion I go to the works canteen I will always get macaroni cheese if it is available because it's about the only hot thing I can eat that they make. I have had this at work several times since the gallbladder became a problem. Since I finished my old job off a nightshift on Sunday morning and started my new job on a dayshift Monday, I have had no time to go to the supermarket in between so have relied on the canteen this past week. For the most part this is a nightmare for me, but old faithful macaroni cheese was one of the choices on Tuesday so I got that. The pain was immediate, I hadn't even finished eating and I was in agony which lasted for three days!

I need to lose weight, I need to eat better.

I simply don't know what to do. I have even considered contacting an eating disorders charity based in the city, their website lists both SED and ARFID as disorders they are familiar with. I don't know what, if any help they could give me. There really isn't any help out there but I definitely do need help. If only I knew how to get it.

Wednesday, 18 May 2016

Pressure King Pro - My latest attempt at eating better

So if you have been following my posts you know that I have tried many things to help me eat better and pretty much nothing has worked. Expanding my diet is possibly the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to first start by eating the things I can eat more often, instead of relying on junk to fill me up or living on breakfast cereal which being honest is something I would be quite happy to do.

The area that needs the most improvement is absolutely what I take to work, I tend to buy rubbish that can be microwaved quickly. Part of the reason for that is that I am absolutely rubbish at preparing things in advance. I struggle to find the time and motivation and on top of that I struggle with how limited I am in what I eat because lets face it, not everything can be cooked in advance, transported to work and then reheated in a microwave.

My latest attempt at improving things is the Pressure King Pro, which is an electric pressure cooker with varying pre-programmed settings. My mother bought one recently and absolutely loves it, and if she likes it it must be absolutely awesome because I swear to goodness, that woman likes nothing.

It sounded like just what I needed. It cooks things quickly, cooks a reasonably large amount (it has a five litre capacity), is easy to clean and doesn't really need any input from a human after its set up. All you do is chuck everything in and choose the appropriate setting. Sounds so easy, even I can do it so I went out and bought one yesterday.

Now I admit I actually used it for the first time last night, but I had the idea that it would make a good blog post after the fact so I hadn't taken any photos so this is actually the second time I have used it. Last night I made a chicken and rice dish that cooked in exactly 12 minutes (plus time for the machine to build pressure and my prep time) and was delicious.

Today's offering is my idea of a chicken stew (remember I am a picky eater).

Firstly I chopped the chicken and added it to the rather large pot. Since this blog is about my life as a picky eater, the picture below is the amount of chicken I cut off and binned because it didn't meet my ridiculous standards (see even I know how ridiculous it is) Some of it has weird white bits on it, some has cartilage and some veiney bits - all in the bin!

I then peeled, chopped and added the carrots and potatoes. Carrots are one of the four vegetables I can eat so I am trying to eat them as often as I can.

I added water and one of those stock pot things, closed the lid and selected the 'meat' programme. There is a stew programme but that turns the machine into a slow cooker rather than a pressure cooker and since the whole point of this meal prepping thing is that I am going to cook several meals today and do it quickly, using the slow cooker function seemed to defeat the point. I added a few extra minutes to the timer because 13 minutes didn't seem enough and noted to myself that I need to figure out how to adjust timings and get my head around these programmes somehow.

And this is the finished product - 

Ok so I had to add some gravy cubes because the one stock pot thingy was nowhere near enough but that was very easy to do, I just crumbled them in and put the machine back on without the lid for a few minutes so I could stir it in and that was that.

I have to say it tasted fantastic and including prep and heating time couldn't have taken much more than half an hour to prepare. Best part is because you don't need to do anything while it is cooking, you are free to use that time for something else, for example, writing this blog post.

I have since washed the machine and currently have a whole chicken cooking in there which means I will get a whole cooked chicken, and more than enough stock to make a pot of soup too.

Meal prepping is turning out to be really easy with my new Pressure King Pro; in fact I am doing so well that I think I will need to order more bags for my vacuum sealer to store it all in!

Thursday, 5 May 2016

At the Doctors today

So today I had to follow up with my regular doctor after my visit to out of hours at the weekend.

Funny how they tell you to follow up with your regular doctor, then when you go you see someone who you have never clapped eyes on before. I think all the doctors who were at my surgery three years ago when we moved here have moved on, we have had two of our current doctors for a while but the third one keeps changing, this woman must be new.

She clearly hadn't read my file because she didn't even know why I was there. Had she read any of my information she would have seen the note from out of hours and saved us the first five minutes of our ten minute appointment with me having to explain everything. Nevertheless she was really lovely.

Told me I needed a scan, which I already knew, booked the scan, took some bloods and gave me painkillers designed for humans, rather than the ones out of hours gave me which I can only assume were made for large animals, elephants perhaps, given how strong they are.

I had been dreading this appointment. I am a nurse so I know that the number one thing you can do to help gallstones is to reduce the amount of fat in your diet. Strangely, I have never had high cholesterol, which is usually what causes gallstones but I was waiting for the 'you need to change your diet' speech.

I was prepared for this speech, and for the first time in my life, I was prepared to take it seriously, to demand help to tackle this head on. I realised we were nearing the end of our appointment and the speech hadn't come. I had worked myself up so much about it, decided to take a stand, to demand help. I couldn't let this opportunity pass me by, not when it was the first time I had been ready to accept help.

I told her that I wasn't looking forward to having to change my diet, she asked why and I just said 'I am such a fussy eater, to the point where it is actually an eating disorder' She just said 'we will cross that bridge when we come to it, lets wait for the scan and blood results, but losing a little weight would help'

I gave her the brief story of how I wasn't always this fat, how I don't understand how I got this fat, how I have a very active job, how I went to the gym twice a week religiously for a year and only lost 6 kilos. She said 'good work, 6 kilos is a  lot better than nothing' I swear you could have knocked me down with a feather, no one has ever thought that I have done well in my weight loss journey, they always tell me I am not doing enough.

We didn't go into any further discussion about it, but I tell you what I did do. As soon as I got home I made the decision that I will go back to that gym, simply feeling supported has spurred me on. I will also see if I still have my noom pro membership and start tracking my meals again, they gave me a free few months because I had a bad experience with it before. I find meal tracking on the app really difficult now that i do a mix of days and nights, because it works midnight to midnight so when I am on nightshift it counts my dinner as the next day's breakfast, but I will figure out a way.

I don't know if there is any help out there for people like me. I have heard some people have tried all sorts of different therapies, but I am yet to hear of any of it actually working, but I owe it to my health to at least give it a try.

Monday, 2 May 2016

The health problems are kicking in now - Gallstones!

So a while back I wrote a post about hidradenitis suppurativa and how it may be linked to my diet, although my diet is certainly not the cause.

I honestly always knew that the way I eat was going to catch up with my health at some point. However at a matter of weeks away from my thirtieth birthday, I thought I had a while to go before it started.

I went to bed the night before last and noticed a pain at the top of my abdomen. Not anything like normal stomach pain and I had no other symptoms what so ever. Dismissing it as something muscular I tried to get some sleep.

About an hour later I woke up in agony and spent the rest of the night trying my best to find a position that was comfortable to lie in with no success. When I got up yesterday it was still pretty sore, but I still had nothing else wrong, felt otherwise pretty well and it was definitely not as sore as it had been overnight.

As a nurse I had narrowed down my symptoms to either problems with my gallbladder or pancreatitis. I quickly dismissed pancreatitis due to the fact that I hadn't been vomiting and decided that I was far too young for issues with my gallbladder. I also don't eat a whole lot of fatty food which is one of the most well-known causes of gallstones.

Whatever it was, it sure was sore.

I ended up calling the non-emergency out of hours helpline last night which by the way left me waiting for three hours for a callback from a nurse (its supposed to be a maximum of two) despite me telling them that I was a nurse and all I needed was for them to book me in to the out of hours GP. I certainly wasn't sick enough (on in any way inclined) to go to A&E, but I sure was sick enough where I wanted someone to check me out before Tuesday (its a bank holiday here so nowhere is open on Monday).

The nurse called me back and I explained my symptoms again, she asked if I had considered gallstones as a cause. I said no because I am so young, gallstones are almost exclusively found in over 40's. She pointed out that there are exceptions to every rule and asked me if I wanted seen at A&E or GP out of hours. I told her there was no way I was going to A&E because I really wasn't that sick, just sore, so she booked me into the out of hours GP.

It wasn't busy when we got there a little after midnight and it was only about half an hour or so before I was seen by a nurse. The other half came in with me and I honestly thought he was going to die when she said they had to do a pregnancy test!

Of course I knew I wasn't pregnant and that a test is something they would do for any female who walked in the doors if they are of what they call 'child bearing age' which by the way, is a term I have always hated.

Good news was I definitely wasn't pregnant, bad news was there was nothing obvious to explain my pain so back to the waiting room I went to wait for the doctor.

The doctor and I had a long chat about my health, the issues I had with my kidneys growing up and anything else we could think of. We both agreed that none of that would make sense. It likely wasn't gastric because I had not been vomiting and had managed to eat small amounts of food with no issues.

He felt my abdomen, had a listen with his stethoscope and told me he was pretty sure he could feel a gallstone! My gallbladder is definitely inflamed and he wanted to send me to A&E.

I asked him what they would do in A&E and he said not much, just manage my pain. I said I would much rather go home in that case. I was in no frame of mind to sit in A&E for hours to get some painkillers that he could give me there and then.

I pointed out that I am a nurse and I know when something is an emergency and when its not. I promised that if I started vomiting I would take myself to A&E and he let me go home. I have to get an ultrasound scan to confirm if I have a stone or not and they will decide what, if anything to do from there.

He is a little concerned about the length of time I have been in pain for, apparently gallstones pain normally only lasts a few hours when its a non-emergency but doesn't think its life or death so I now need to try and get an emergency appointment for my own doctor tomorrow to arrange a scan and follow up, provided I don't start vomiting or the pain gets worse - in which case its off to A&E for me!

I am still pretty sore today, but there is no way I am taking those painkillers again, I felt so off my head last night its unreal. I might take them before bed mind you because I did get a decent sleep with them. I will call the doctor in the morning, but my chances of getting an appointment this week are slim to none.

The problems are yet to come though. Having issues with your gallbladder means a drastic change in diet, even for a normal eater. I am not prepared for this. I am terrified.

I need to lose weight, but I need to do it slowly. Losing weight quickly can actually cause gallstones. I know they will think my diet and weight are to blame, but I honestly don't eat that much fatty food, I don't fry anything at home and apart from the occasional roll in sausage if I am working at the weekend, I rarely eat anything that's really fatty.

A trip to the dietician is almost certainly in order. I haven't seen a dietician since I was a child, back then they simply told me that I needed to eat more vegetables, I argued that I couldn't and they said I had to. I never went back, they weren't willing to work with me and I wasn't willing to be told what I already knew over and over again, with no actual advice of how to make that happen.

I guess I just have to wait to see what the doctor says if/when I get an appointment.

Thursday, 21 January 2016

How did I end up like this?

I guess a question most picky eaters like me ask themselves is how did I end up like this? or even why me?

I know its a question I often ask, I wonder why I am the way I am. I honestly think if I could figure out why I am the way I am, really find the root of the problem then maybe I could fix it.

I think about phobias and how they often start with a bad experience. I have never had a bad experience with food that either myself or my mother are aware of. I am not scared of food the way I would be if I had a phobia, other people's food doesn't bother me at all.

Was I just a fussy child that was allowed to get away with it? That's what the internet wants you to believe. Most articles about adult picky eaters will have at least a dozen comments along those lines, if it isn't the theme of the article itself that is. This is the hardest question to answer because I was never force fed anything as a child, never left sitting at the table with the same meal in front of me till I ate it the way some folks are. I never felt forced to eat things I didn't like so that would suggest I was allowed to get away with my fussiness. However I was always like this, at school, at home, at friends houses. Surely if it was just to get my own way I would have eaten those bloomin' potatoes in school so I could get outside to play, but I just couldn't they were a bizarre texture and I was always sitting in the lunch hall till lessons started again.

Lets just say for a minute that I was a fussy kid who was allowed to get away with being that way - then why as an adult cant I change? I desperately want to eat better, am at my wits end trying to lose weight and literally begging doctors for a solution I know they will never find. If I was just a fussy kid then why didn't I eat salad like my friends did when I was a teenager? Why did I refuse to go to events that involved food because I was too scared there would be nothing I could eat? I didn't choose to be this way.

Why does even the thought of some foods make me sick? Why did I once vomit because my hotdog had touched an onion and I could taste the offending onion even though there were no onions there? I just don't understand why I am like this, why me? I want so badly to change.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Finally done the food shop

I was supposed to do the food shop the other day but I ended up doing a whole load of other stuff and simply didn't have time.

Today I went to Costco and got my usual supplies from there. I buy things like bottles of pepsi max out of there because they work out a lot cheaper but I don't buy much of their food because its usually very expensive. Today they had a deal on steak mince so I bought a 2.5 kilo packet which I will use to make lasagne and bolognaise tomorrow.

I promised myself I would use at least one day this week to cook some meals up that I can freeze so that gives me plenty to be getting on with. I also went to the regular supermarket and bought some chicken so that I can make that slimming world chili chicken thing that I made last week. Again I bought quite a big packet so I can make a good amount to give some for freezing.

I am very much looking forward to having some meals pre-made in the freezer just waiting to be reheated and eaten. Sometimes my biggest problem is that I cant be bothered cooking or that I don't have the time it takes to make a decent meal. When you have SED it takes twice as long to cook because you need to cut everything a certain way or cook it just so. For example if I am cooking chicken I cannot just chop that chicken into chunks. I must first cut all the fat or whatever that white stuff is off it, remove the cartilage and take out all the veiney bits. As I am chopping if I come across a vein or something like that then I need to get rid of it, that means checking every chunk as I cut it. It probably takes me twice as long to chop chicken as it would a normal person.

I used to be quite good at making things in advance to freeze but I somehow got out of the habit over the years but it is a habit I plan on returning to. Once I get back into the swing of buying and cooking the extra. Its not like it takes much more time and effort really because I am simply making bigger portions of whatever I am making at the time and freezing what I don't use.

I think being organised is going to be the key to my healthier eating/weight loss plans because it is too easy to turn to the same old junk when you are busy. It also gives me the chance to experiment (as much as someone like me can anyway) with foods in the comfort of my own kitchen. If I like them then its something else to add to the safe food list and I can potentially take it to work with me for lunch.

I still think work is my biggest barrier and this is one way round it. all I have to do is get a little more organised, surely it cant be that hard.

Monday, 18 January 2016

Need to do a food shop

Food shopping is something I struggle with, not necessarily because of my SED but because I just hate shopping. I hate the crowds and the waiting about, most of all I hate wondering around trying to find things that I just cant find.

This usually leads to me buying the same old stuff every time which does nothing to help my pitiful attempts at eating better. I buy foods I know are safe, foods I know I can eat and nothing else an while it might make sense to buy things I know I can eat what happens is I buy the same old junk week in week out.

I sometimes think its because I simply cant be bothered checking the ingredients of every single thing I buy, other times I think its because I am scared of trying things only not to like them and have to throw them away. I cant afford to throw food away, its as simple as that.

I am off on holiday just now and one of the things I promised I would do is cook and freeze some meals ready for going back to work. I managed to cook a slimming world meal last week (with a few minor variations) so I plan on making a massive pot of that and freezing it. I also like bolognaise so I will make a big pot of that too, I might make it in the slow cooker actually.

Other than those two dishes, I have no other meals planned. Perhaps I should work on my meal planning skills before I head out for my shopping. I did manage to find four slimming world recipes that I could adapt to make them edible, the only problem was they were all chicken based. I love chicken don't get me wrong, but I really don't want to eat nothing but chicken for weeks at a time.

I am going to go back to the website where I got the four recipes from to see if I can find some more meals that I can adapt to suit my impossible eating habits. This could take a while!

Saturday, 16 January 2016

Going to give the doctor another try

I am on annual leave next week and I plan on trying to see the doctor. I say trying because it is about as difficult to get an appointment at my surgery as it is to get a lunch date with the queen but I will call and ask.

I have a few issues niggling away at me that I want to discuss with them. My weight is an obvious one and I am sure the subject of my picky eating will come up so I will try my best to explain it to them and not get frustrated when they don't understand.

I have a few other things that I want to get checked out but I have a feeling my weight will bear the brunt of the blame in their eyes. This time however, I can at least show them that I am trying to do something about it.

I may have gotten disillusioned for a while, you could maybe even say I gave up briefly but I have come to the realisation that I cannot let food control me any more.

I am back using the noom app on my phone and have found a pretty supportive group there and I have even found some slimming world recipes that I have been able to adapt in ways that mean I might eat them. I have only actually made one of them so far but do you know something? it was actually quite nice!

My partner has agreed to try to eat better too. He doesn't have a picky eating problem, in fact before we lived together he would eat everything and anything, apart from mushrooms. He does however have a problem where he eats junk when I eat junk, both of us have gotten lazy when it comes to food. We rely on the same old rubbish food time and time again because we know I will be able to eat it.

We have both realised that it will take the two of us working together to really make a change. I think it will be much easier with us both trying hard to think up and make healthier meals. I just have to trust him to cook for me, something I still struggle with even after all these years.

Sunday, 3 January 2016

New year, new me

Who am I kidding? I would give anything to say that this is the year I will finally change. I will somehow resolve to eating better and it will magically happen because I willed it so. That I will put in hours at the gym and that for the first time ever it wont all be for nothing. I don't see any of that happening.

When I first started blogging about my life as a picky eater I was so full of optimism, I had found support, found other people like me and that was somehow all the validation I needed to realise that I did have a real eating disorder. If people could overcome disorders like anorexia or bulimia then I could overcome this.

Now I am so disheartened that I haven't even updated my blog since September! You see I have realised that there are some major differences between selective eating disorder and the more well known eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. The first major difference is that no one knows that selective eating disorder is even a real thing, not even medical professionals! The look I got when I tried to explain to my doctor is something that will forever stick with me. The other major difference is that there is help available for the more known disorders, there are clinics that specialise in treating them and all sorts of therapies for people to try. For selective eating disorder there is nothing at all, except advice to eat better which is impossible.

I have myself convinced that there is something medically wrong with me, perhaps an underactive thyroid or polycystic ovaries. As a nurse I do know that I have many of the symptoms of both of these but I also know how dangerous it is to get yourself convinced that there is something wrong with you, you start thinking you have all the symptoms, even if what you actually have is the complete opposite.

Surely there has to be something wrong with me though? this just isn't normal. No matter how much better I try and eat, how much less I eat and how many hours I have spent in the gym. No matter how active I am at work as a nurse on my feet for thirteen hours a day I have yet to lose anymore than the six kilos I originally lost in the first few months of starting this blog. No matter how often my phone tells me I am not eating enough, I cannot lose another pound. That cant be normal surely?

Having vile hatred for food I have never even tasted is not normal, neither is only eating four vegetables or having to have your food cooked a certain way before you could even consider it as being food. Recognised disorder or not, this is simply not a normal relationship with food.

I think back to my childhood. Did I ever have a bad experience with food? Not that I can remember. Well apart from that time I went to the boy next door's house for dinner and his mum made hard boiled eggs, I didn't even know what they were. I literally didn't recognise them as being food. To me eggs were those things with the yellow stuff that you dipped your toast into after you had scraped away all the horrible looking white stuff. I had no idea what to do with a hard boiled egg!

I have had issues with food quite literally since the day I was born according to my mother. Surely I didn't learn that behaviour at a day old??

I am so worried for the future. I know where I am headed - type two diabetes that I will be unable to control with a diet like mine, a lifetime of tablets or maybe even injections because of it. Knees that will buckle under my weight due to osteoarthritis, an inability to climb stairs, having to give up the job I love with every fibre of my being and that I have worked so damn hard to get because I simply cannot stand for thirteen hours a day anymore. Eventually I will become housebound because of the pain, I wont be able to get up and down the stairs to get out. I wont be able to go shopping or out with friends. Everything I have worked so hard for will be gone and I will be stuck in the house getting fatter because I cannot exercise and I eat like a toddler.

I don't want any of this. I know I have to change, get healthier, get fitter, get thinner. The question is how the hell do I go about doing that? I honestly have no idea but if I want the life I have finally made for myself I know I have to find a way.