Sunday, 20 September 2015

So I went hungry again today, I really should know better

I was in such a rush this morning and if I am honest I just didn't fancy the pasta I had prepared yesterday for my lunch so I decided to take my chances with the canteen. The food is rotten but they usually have paninis or toasties I can eat and I figured that would do.

Unfortunately we were so busy on the ward that by the time I had gotten to go for my break all the decent ones were gone. I was stuck with the actual canteen food. The only think on the menu I can stand was roast beef. Problem is I don't actually like roast beef, its always fatty but it was the only thing without loads of veg through it so I tried it.

The beef was so fatty I didn't even have more than one bite and the potatoes were rock solid so I had nothing to eat at all for my whole twelve hour shift. I wonder why I have a headache now?

I actually meant to check my blood sugar when I got home but I forgot all about it until after I had eaten and it would have been pointless then. I have mums old meter for just this type of occasion, I want to know what living like this is doing to my body. I want to know if I really am killing myself slowly and what, if anything I can do about it.

I have been trying really hard this year but I don't feel like I have accomplished anything other than adding a daily multivitamin to my morning routine. I don't feel any better and I have lost such a small amount of weight that I am honestly beginning to wonder if any of it is really worth it. I literally feel sick at the thought of changing my diet, but yet I want so badly to eat better.

You hear all these stories about people who start eating better and almost instantly they have all this energy, not me. I still feel tired all the time, still don't sleep anything close to enough and still work twelve hour shifts that might kill me if I don't do something about my lack of energy and sleep.

I have all but given up alcohol, not actually through choice but because I have a car now and I am always thinking that I might need to drive tomorrow and I wouldn't drive if I had been drinking the night before. I don't feel any better.

I take a multivitamin every day, I don't feel any better.

I eat more vegetables than I ever have in my life. I don't feel any better.

I am more active than I have ever been. I don't feel any better.

I have lost a little weight. I don't feel any better.

What exactly do I have to do to feel even just a little bit better?

Thursday, 10 September 2015

I just want to be accepted for who I am

I have said before that my picky eating doesn't really bother me, and for the most part it doesn't. There are a few exceptions though, one of which is when I have contact with health professionals.

I am a health professional myself and I cannot imagine being as judgemental about people's life choices as some are about my picky eating - and that's not even a choice! I mean take smoking as an example, its a choice some people make and it can, and often does lead to health problems. However health professionals seem to understand that smoking is an addiction and that while it can be overcome, its very difficult for the person to do that. Sure they offer advice to stop, but it usually ends there.

With my picky eating however its almost always 'you need to eat more vegetables' well sorry but I cant do that! I ate my first vegetable in my early 20's so as far as I am concerned, the four vegetables that I do occasionally eat are an improvement. I am not asking for a pat on the back for managing to eat four vegetables, I understand how ridiculous that would be. But I do expect people to try to understand.

I know that there is not a lot of information out there on selective eating disorder, and that most health professionals have never met someone like me. I understand and appreciate that. However I also remember a time when there was no support for people to stop smoking, there is now. Everything has to start somewhere, all I want is support, or even understanding.

I was at the nurse last week, she informs me that I have lost around 8 kilos since I seen her last year. She told me she was happy that I have lost something and that things seem to be heading in the right direction for me, she even said she was proud that I had managed to lose weight despite my limited diet which she understands a little.

The doctor on the other hand tells me I should consider seeing a dietician. I told her I have done that before and it didn't work out, all they did was try to get me to eat more vegetables. The doctor reliably informs me that the field of dietetics has come a long way since I was a child so I asked her 'well what will they do then? if it will help I will go' She tells me 'oh they will look at what you are eating and advise you on how to eat better' I swear its like she doesn't even hear me!

I told her that simply isn't possible for me, if it was as easy as simply being told whats good for me I would have been 'cured' a long time ago. I know I could lose all this weight no problem if I could eat nothing but salad for a few months, I cannot do that it is not possible! She then basically accused me of not being willing to try and I did something I have never done in my life before - I got up and walked out!

All I want is for her to understand how hard I actually am trying, and I am getting there, just very very slowly.