Friday, 29 May 2015

Great advice

I have been on nightshift the last few weeks which means I have my break by myself as we have to go one at a time since there are less people working nights than there are on days. This means I spend a lot of time reading nonsense on my phone.

I was going through my recommended stories on my google now app and an advice page popped up, not the type of thing I normally read, but the title had me interested. It was something along the lines of 'girlfriend eats like a toddler' and of course I immidiately identified with it.

I started reading, the man writing the letter was complaining that he is a chef and therefore loves to cook but the fact that his girlfriend only eats 'toddler food' as he described it, is putting him off. He acutally says in his letter that he doesn't think he can live with it much longer and is considering leaving her!

I was upset on this poor girls behalf, but my mood soon changed when I began reading the agony aunt's answer. She basically tore him a new one and even mentioned selective eating disorder. She explained to the letter writer a bit about what selective eating disorder is, the fact that it is a real problem and basically he needs to be more understanding. She also said that she has heard of some people with selective eating disorder having some success with cognative behavioural therapy (CBT). I dont think CBT is something I would be willing to try, but I am so happy to hear that some people are finding ways to get over this horrible disorder.

I also feel the need to point out that my partner is also a chef and we have had no such issues with my diet. He is more than happy to let me cook most of the time since he knows I prefer to cook my own meals so I am sure I know what's in them. As the years have gone on he has learned my preferences and I have learned to trust him to make certain meals for me. I guess its a give and take thing, I had to learn to trust him with food and he had to learn how to deal with my problems with food and what that means for cooking. I really am so lucky to have him.

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

I wish

I wish my life didn't need to revolve around what I can and can't eat.
I wish I didn't need to constantly worry about whether I will even be able to eat anything when I go to an event. Most of all, I wish I could be normal.

For the most part my picky eating doesn't really bother me, I think I cope quite well with it. I am not afraid to tell people that I am fussy, or that I cant eat certain things and I am quite good at modifying foods to make them edible when I need to..

Sometimes though, it really gets me down.

It gets to me that people know I am trying to lose weight, then they look at what I am eating and you can tell the are thinking 'how the hell is she going to lose weight eating like that, she's not even trying' I want to scream at these people 'YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD I AM TRYING!!!' you have no idea how hard it is for me to even consider eating a new food and you have no idea how hard it is knowing that the chances of me getting to a healthy weight are very slim, and that there is very little I can do about that.

I do understand that its not these peoples fault that they have no understanding of what it is like to be me. I know that the way I eat seems strange to most people and that most people couldn't imagine that the eating disorder I have is even real, but it is very real. I just wish that people wouldn't judge me. Maybe I am eating something that you perceive as being unhealthy because it is the only available option for me, that is usually the case.

This week I have had a fried breakfast twice. Being honest I could count on one hand the amount of times I have eaten a fried breakfast by choice, it is certainly not a favourite of mine but it is something I can tolerate. Out of the available options in my uni in the morning (especially now that the main canteen is closed for renovation) the only thing I can eat is either a fried breakfast or a breakfast roll containing one of the fried breakfast items. Therefore people assume that I just like to eat unhealthily and when I say that I am trying to lose weight, they think I am not trying hard enough.

Strangely enough, I don't like sweets that much, I pretty much never eat any sweets and never chocolate. People find that so odd. They find it odd that I eat like crap but will turn down chocolate. I don't get it, I am not the only person in the world that doesn't like chocolate.

I have good friends in uni, some of them really do seem to understand what I am going through. Its the first time in my life I can honestly say that I think my friends get it. Or at least they understand that I don't eat certain foods, I don't think for a minute that they have a full understanding of the reasons why. It means so much to me that they try though. For the most part they will try to help me by going places I can eat without too much trouble. One friend even left one of the uni cafes with me after I realised that there was nothing there I could eat, not everyone would do that especially since we get such short breaks between classes most of the time.

I started this blog in the hope that I could help people understand what it is really like to suffer from selective eating disorder. I don't know if I am succeeding in that as yet, but I know I will keep writing about my struggles with food until I do.

Friday, 1 May 2015

The weight is coming off!

I was at the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I have just been so busy with being on placement, pulling extra hours that I owe to make sure I can graduate on time, writing an essay and studying for an exam all at the same time while still keeping up with regular things like shopping, cooking and the occasional few hours sleep.

I was genuinely worried that I was going to have put on all the weight I had lost and then some, since you don't exactly eat well when you are working all those hours and I eat terribly anyway. I had only lost two kilograms before starting that placement but it was something and I really, really hoped I had kept it off.

I was astounded when I looked at the scales in the gym to find that not only had I kept off my two kilos, I had lost another four! I cannot tell you how happy I am right now.