Sunday, 15 February 2015

I had a bit of a meltdown

I had a bit of a meltdown the other day when I realised just how bad my eating is in terms of trying to lose weight. I realised that the Noom app finds everything I eat, save a few exceptions, as being amber foods and although I can stay under my total daily calories with no effort whatsoever (in fact the app often reminds me I need to eat), I am always over the amber section.

For the first time in my life I actually cried because I felt so bad about the way I eat, I just want to be 'normal' whatever that is. I have honestly never been upset about my eating, or my weight for that matter before now.

Coincidentally my mother called during my meltdown she made things a lot worse and said 'oh and I guess this is all my fault because I never forced you to eat healthier.' I only wish she understood that her positive attitude towards my eating is likely the reason it took 28 years before I had a meltdown over it. Mum was always great about my refusal to eat certain foods.

Is there a part of me that wishes she had been able to convince me to eat better? yes there is, but there is no part of me that wishes she had force fed me in order to do that. I cannot stress enough how fortunate I am to have a (mostly) positive attitude towards the way I eat. So many people like me are embarrassed by it and some even panic if they are faced with a social situation involving food. I don't have these issues and I honestly thing that's because my mother never made a fuss about the problems I have. By not making an issue of it at home, it never became an issue for me. I eat what I can and I don't have a problem with what other people think about that.

The other day however, I was really upset. I am trying so hard, I even tried to eat salad tonight and I actually managed a few leaves along with half a chicken breast. I learned that I definitely do not like rocket but I can handle a little spinach and watercress. I hope that if I try to incorporate those into more meals I will slowly build on the amount of them I am able to take. I did feel a little nauseous but nothing overwhelming and I suspect its because I really didn't like the rocket. I should know better than to try two new things at once (I have had spinach before), from now on only one new thing in any meal.

At least my meltdown didn't put me off trying I guess. I have decided that I will speak to my doctor about it, I have an appointment on Wednesday for something else anyway. I haven't tried to talk to a doctor about this since I was a kid and they finally stopped banging on to me about eating vegetables. They sent me to a dietician and everything when I was in my early teens, I went to the appointment thinking someone was going to try and help me manage my diet a little better (I had no interest in changing it then) but all she did is tell me that the only thing I could do is eat vegetables and maybe try fruit as a snack. She had no understanding whatsoever of my food issues, since dietetics is her forte and she didn't understand, I have never bothered a medical professional with it again.

That was at least 15 years ago though and hopefully things have changed, I did mention it to the practice nurse last time I seen her because she was trying to encourage me to lose weight. I mentioned it almost in passing, something along the lines of 'don't tell me to diet, I cant do it I have selective eating disorder and nothing is going to change that' she actually tried to understand a little, although it was clear she didn't have much knowledge of the condition.

I don't know what I hope to gain by discussing it with the doctor, I am not sure I want therapy of any kind. I am not sure if there is therapy of any kind for SED, I know some people in my support group have tried hypnotherapy but I don't see me getting that on the NHS and even if I did its quite well known that hypnotherapy doesn't work in people who like to be in control all the time, I think that's me.

Maybe the doctor can help and maybe they cant, to be totally honest I would just love it if there was some sort of note put on my file to tell them to stop moaning at me about my weight, I am doing everything I can and them moaning at me about it is only likely to send me into another meltdown since I now have the ability to have a meltdown. I have never been that distressed in my life before, I honestly didn't think I had it in me. I am not an emotional person at all, I took myself a little by surprise if I am honest.

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