Wednesday, 13 May 2015

I wish

I wish my life didn't need to revolve around what I can and can't eat.
I wish I didn't need to constantly worry about whether I will even be able to eat anything when I go to an event. Most of all, I wish I could be normal.

For the most part my picky eating doesn't really bother me, I think I cope quite well with it. I am not afraid to tell people that I am fussy, or that I cant eat certain things and I am quite good at modifying foods to make them edible when I need to..

Sometimes though, it really gets me down.

It gets to me that people know I am trying to lose weight, then they look at what I am eating and you can tell the are thinking 'how the hell is she going to lose weight eating like that, she's not even trying' I want to scream at these people 'YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD I AM TRYING!!!' you have no idea how hard it is for me to even consider eating a new food and you have no idea how hard it is knowing that the chances of me getting to a healthy weight are very slim, and that there is very little I can do about that.

I do understand that its not these peoples fault that they have no understanding of what it is like to be me. I know that the way I eat seems strange to most people and that most people couldn't imagine that the eating disorder I have is even real, but it is very real. I just wish that people wouldn't judge me. Maybe I am eating something that you perceive as being unhealthy because it is the only available option for me, that is usually the case.

This week I have had a fried breakfast twice. Being honest I could count on one hand the amount of times I have eaten a fried breakfast by choice, it is certainly not a favourite of mine but it is something I can tolerate. Out of the available options in my uni in the morning (especially now that the main canteen is closed for renovation) the only thing I can eat is either a fried breakfast or a breakfast roll containing one of the fried breakfast items. Therefore people assume that I just like to eat unhealthily and when I say that I am trying to lose weight, they think I am not trying hard enough.

Strangely enough, I don't like sweets that much, I pretty much never eat any sweets and never chocolate. People find that so odd. They find it odd that I eat like crap but will turn down chocolate. I don't get it, I am not the only person in the world that doesn't like chocolate.

I have good friends in uni, some of them really do seem to understand what I am going through. Its the first time in my life I can honestly say that I think my friends get it. Or at least they understand that I don't eat certain foods, I don't think for a minute that they have a full understanding of the reasons why. It means so much to me that they try though. For the most part they will try to help me by going places I can eat without too much trouble. One friend even left one of the uni cafes with me after I realised that there was nothing there I could eat, not everyone would do that especially since we get such short breaks between classes most of the time.

I started this blog in the hope that I could help people understand what it is really like to suffer from selective eating disorder. I don't know if I am succeeding in that as yet, but I know I will keep writing about my struggles with food until I do.

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