I envy my friends sometimes

I am really not the jealous type, just ask my partner, but I do get a little envious of my friends sometimes. All my friends are what I would consider 'normal eaters' and especially at this time of year when we are getting ready for the warmer weather, at least half a dozen of them will be on a diet.

At the moment three of my friends are doing Slimming World, two are doing Weight Watchers, one is doing the 5/2 diet and a few others seem to be eating nothing but salad for every meal. Now don't get me wrong I am proud of them for sticking with it. One friend who is getting married later in the year is doing really well with Slimming World and has lost a lot of weight so far. It does upset me sometimes though because I would honestly give just about anything to be able to even just try one of these diets, or even just to eat healthier.

Even my doctor has suggested I try either Slimming World or Weight Watchers and I honestly considered it. She assured me that I would be able to eat things that are within my range of safe foods and still stick to the plan, but after spending a bit of time on each of the companies websites I quickly realised that she was completely wrong.

Perhaps I could stick to my daily points allowance on one of these plans, if I had the time to cook every day and cooking facilities at work. I have neither of these things and I would say that the meal I struggle the most with is lunch because I don't really like many cold foods and most of what I do like is unhealthy. I have access to a microwave where I am just now but I wont be there much longer and when I move there are no cooking facilities at all, leaving me with canteen food which is a total nightmare for me. When I get home I have a little over an hour to get everything done before getting to bed in time to get a little over six hours sleep for the next day.

In that time I have to shower, put my uniform in the wash and hang it to dry when its finished, pack my bag for the next day and feed my animals. I simply do not have time to cook a meal that takes 45 minutes to prepare every night. I try to prepare things in advance as much as possible, but not everything can be prepared in advance and not everything reheats well.

I definitely find that I eat better when I am not at work because I have the time to prepare things and plan ahead. At work I end up sitting with some microwavable rubbish, totally jealous of my co-workers who are tucking into their salads or whatever. They all eat different things every day whereas I have the same thing every single day for morning tea break and one of three or four things on rotation for lunch break.

I am at my wits end with my weight. I honestly think this is the lowest I have ever felt. Without the time to go to the gym at the moment with all the work I am doing for uni and placement, I just know that the tiny amount of weight I have lost will have went back on, perhaps I am even heavier than when I started. I actually think I might be heading for depression. I had mild depression in my teens, but it was more stress related than anything else and I have never been depressed as an adult.

My weight has actually never affected my mood before, even although I have pretty much always been overweight but now its starting to upset me. I cant join the army like I have wanted to do pretty much since I can remember because I am too heavy for my height and since I highly doubt I am going to grow anymore at nearly thirty years old, weight loss is the only way to realise my dream.

At least when I had time to go to the gym twice a week the weight was coming off slowly, now I have no chance and since I am going to be on placement till at least the middle of September working four twelve hour shifts a week plus writing essays and trying to make a living of some sorts at my actual job and helping my mother as much as I can with the things she can't manage I just don't have time for the gym. Unless of course I give up sleeping.

I had hoped that I would lose a little bit of weight before my graduation ball in November so that I might actually be able to find a dress that fits but I hardly think that's likely now. I guess I will be the girl in the corner in the black trousers while everyone else looks gorgeous in their beautiful dresses as usual.