Well the shakes worked!!!

Ok from my last post you can tell that I was really worried how I would handle my shake challenge and really sceptical about it working.

I am very proud to say that I have lost five and a half lbs! in seven days!

I wasn't brave enough to try them out while I was working in case I felt really hungry so I waited till I was on annual leave and started them last week. The first day wasn't easy I will be honest but within the first three days I had realised that I could have a very small lunch by splitting my calorie allowance and the weight started dropping off, by day three I had lost three lbs.

I can honestly say that after the first two days I was not feeling hungry at all after my shakes and they actually tasted really nice. I had loads of energy which is not like me, I attribute that to the extra vitamins in the shakes since my regular diet is so rubbish.

in fact I loved my shakes so much I have decided to join my friend in becoming a distributor for forever living. I have now had the chance to try many of their products and there are none I don't love. I am using the heat gel on my sore back and shoulder, and the moisturiser on my dry skin. I feel great and I am noticing a massive difference in my skin.

I will always be a picky eater, and I think I will always struggle with food but maybe I have finally found something that can at least help with the weight.

www.facebook.com/foreverwithkirsty

I have to lose this weight - drastic measures

I know I need to lose this weight, it has very much been at the forefront of my mind recently. I feel awful, I am tired all the time and I have been sicker this year than I ever have been in my life.

This is almost certainly related to my diet, but more so I think to my weight. My diet is bad, I am fully aware of that but I am making the effort as much as possible and things are definitely better than they were. So why do I feel worse?

The obvious answer is my weight. Although my diet has improved somewhat, my weight has never recovered. I remain heavier than I used to be, and only three kilos lighter than I was when I started this journey. Something drastic needs to happen, and it needs to happen soon.

I started taking these tablets that reduce your body's absorption of carbs and fat from the foods you eat. I don't eat that much fat, but I sure do love my carbs. The problem is I take medication that can't be taken at the same time as the tablets, you need a clear two hour window between them. Since I do not have two hours to wait around in the mornings I can't take the tablets at breakfast. Not a huge deal I figure, better to take them twice a day than never. Only problem is that I have been forgetting to lift them to take them to work with me so they are really not doing anything for me. I am also a little worried about the effect they might have on my medication so although I was really into the idea when I bought them, I am now not so sure.

A good friend of mine has recently started working with one of those companies that sell all sorts of supplements, shakes and skincare stuff and was looking for some people to try their shakes for a week. I signed straight up! What the heck am I thinking? The plan is to have a shake for breakfast and lunch then eat a 600 calorie meal at night, you can have as much fruit and veg as you like as well.

It honestly sounds great, only breakfast is my favourite meal of the day, and the only one I eat reasonably consistently (not every day, but most days), I have no idea what a 600 calorie meal looks like and I don't eat a single fruit. I do eat four vegetables, but not on their own so that is no use either. What the heck? I am never going to be able to do this!

And this is without thinking about the taste/texture of the actual shakes, I have no idea what they are going to be like or if I will manage to even drink them in the first place. I have a feeling I may have bitten off more than I can chew here.

On the plus side, I guess it shows how serious I am about getting rid of this weight. I need to do something and it is only a week. If it doesn't work I guess I haven't lost much. I just hope that missing breakfast before work doesn't leave me hungry all day and affect my concentration because as a nurse, people's lives depend on my ability to concentrate and do my job safely and well.

I guess I have nothing to lose by giving it a try; except some unwanted weight that is!

Back to the gym

I started back at the gym last night. It has been ages since I have been there. I got so disheartened with not losing any weight, then I took ill and it was the perfect excuse to stop going for a while.

I am getting pretty much nowhere with trying to change my diet, and absolutely nowhere with losing weight. In fact according to my scales, I have put three of the kilograms I lost back on recently. I am still under the weight I was when I first started on this journey by five kilos but putting anything back on still feels bad.

The good news is that I finally got a date for my ultrasound scan to see what is going on with this gallbladder. My bloods all came back ok so my own doctor is a little confused by the whole thing but I am sure that is what it is because sometimes when I eat I am in agony afterwords which is classic of a problem gallbladder.

What is not classic of a problem gallbladder is that the foods that set it off aren't always the same. For example on the rare occasion I go to the works canteen I will always get macaroni cheese if it is available because it's about the only hot thing I can eat that they make. I have had this at work several times since the gallbladder became a problem. Since I finished my old job off a nightshift on Sunday morning and started my new job on a dayshift Monday, I have had no time to go to the supermarket in between so have relied on the canteen this past week. For the most part this is a nightmare for me, but old faithful macaroni cheese was one of the choices on Tuesday so I got that. The pain was immediate, I hadn't even finished eating and I was in agony which lasted for three days!

I need to lose weight, I need to eat better.

I simply don't know what to do. I have even considered contacting an eating disorders charity based in the city, their website lists both SED and ARFID as disorders they are familiar with. I don't know what, if any help they could give me. There really isn't any help out there but I definitely do need help. If only I knew how to get it.

Finally done the food shop

I was supposed to do the food shop the other day but I ended up doing a whole load of other stuff and simply didn't have time.

Today I went to Costco and got my usual supplies from there. I buy things like bottles of pepsi max out of there because they work out a lot cheaper but I don't buy much of their food because its usually very expensive. Today they had a deal on steak mince so I bought a 2.5 kilo packet which I will use to make lasagne and bolognaise tomorrow.

I promised myself I would use at least one day this week to cook some meals up that I can freeze so that gives me plenty to be getting on with. I also went to the regular supermarket and bought some chicken so that I can make that slimming world chili chicken thing that I made last week. Again I bought quite a big packet so I can make a good amount to give some for freezing.

I am very much looking forward to having some meals pre-made in the freezer just waiting to be reheated and eaten. Sometimes my biggest problem is that I cant be bothered cooking or that I don't have the time it takes to make a decent meal. When you have SED it takes twice as long to cook because you need to cut everything a certain way or cook it just so. For example if I am cooking chicken I cannot just chop that chicken into chunks. I must first cut all the fat or whatever that white stuff is off it, remove the cartilage and take out all the veiney bits. As I am chopping if I come across a vein or something like that then I need to get rid of it, that means checking every chunk as I cut it. It probably takes me twice as long to chop chicken as it would a normal person.

I used to be quite good at making things in advance to freeze but I somehow got out of the habit over the years but it is a habit I plan on returning to. Once I get back into the swing of buying and cooking the extra. Its not like it takes much more time and effort really because I am simply making bigger portions of whatever I am making at the time and freezing what I don't use.

I think being organised is going to be the key to my healthier eating/weight loss plans because it is too easy to turn to the same old junk when you are busy. It also gives me the chance to experiment (as much as someone like me can anyway) with foods in the comfort of my own kitchen. If I like them then its something else to add to the safe food list and I can potentially take it to work with me for lunch.

I still think work is my biggest barrier and this is one way round it. all I have to do is get a little more organised, surely it cant be that hard.

Going to give the doctor another try

I am on annual leave next week and I plan on trying to see the doctor. I say trying because it is about as difficult to get an appointment at my surgery as it is to get a lunch date with the queen but I will call and ask.

I have a few issues niggling away at me that I want to discuss with them. My weight is an obvious one and I am sure the subject of my picky eating will come up so I will try my best to explain it to them and not get frustrated when they don't understand.

I have a few other things that I want to get checked out but I have a feeling my weight will bear the brunt of the blame in their eyes. This time however, I can at least show them that I am trying to do something about it.

I may have gotten disillusioned for a while, you could maybe even say I gave up briefly but I have come to the realisation that I cannot let food control me any more.

I am back using the noom app on my phone and have found a pretty supportive group there and I have even found some slimming world recipes that I have been able to adapt in ways that mean I might eat them. I have only actually made one of them so far but do you know something? it was actually quite nice!

My partner has agreed to try to eat better too. He doesn't have a picky eating problem, in fact before we lived together he would eat everything and anything, apart from mushrooms. He does however have a problem where he eats junk when I eat junk, both of us have gotten lazy when it comes to food. We rely on the same old rubbish food time and time again because we know I will be able to eat it.

We have both realised that it will take the two of us working together to really make a change. I think it will be much easier with us both trying hard to think up and make healthier meals. I just have to trust him to cook for me, something I still struggle with even after all these years.

New year, new me

Who am I kidding? I would give anything to say that this is the year I will finally change. I will somehow resolve to eating better and it will magically happen because I willed it so. That I will put in hours at the gym and that for the first time ever it wont all be for nothing. I don't see any of that happening.

When I first started blogging about my life as a picky eater I was so full of optimism, I had found support, found other people like me and that was somehow all the validation I needed to realise that I did have a real eating disorder. If people could overcome disorders like anorexia or bulimia then I could overcome this.

Now I am so disheartened that I haven't even updated my blog since September! You see I have realised that there are some major differences between selective eating disorder and the more well known eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. The first major difference is that no one knows that selective eating disorder is even a real thing, not even medical professionals! The look I got when I tried to explain to my doctor is something that will forever stick with me. The other major difference is that there is help available for the more known disorders, there are clinics that specialise in treating them and all sorts of therapies for people to try. For selective eating disorder there is nothing at all, except advice to eat better which is impossible.

I have myself convinced that there is something medically wrong with me, perhaps an underactive thyroid or polycystic ovaries. As a nurse I do know that I have many of the symptoms of both of these but I also know how dangerous it is to get yourself convinced that there is something wrong with you, you start thinking you have all the symptoms, even if what you actually have is the complete opposite.

Surely there has to be something wrong with me though? this just isn't normal. No matter how much better I try and eat, how much less I eat and how many hours I have spent in the gym. No matter how active I am at work as a nurse on my feet for thirteen hours a day I have yet to lose anymore than the six kilos I originally lost in the first few months of starting this blog. No matter how often my phone tells me I am not eating enough, I cannot lose another pound. That cant be normal surely?

Having vile hatred for food I have never even tasted is not normal, neither is only eating four vegetables or having to have your food cooked a certain way before you could even consider it as being food. Recognised disorder or not, this is simply not a normal relationship with food.

I think back to my childhood. Did I ever have a bad experience with food? Not that I can remember. Well apart from that time I went to the boy next door's house for dinner and his mum made hard boiled eggs, I didn't even know what they were. I literally didn't recognise them as being food. To me eggs were those things with the yellow stuff that you dipped your toast into after you had scraped away all the horrible looking white stuff. I had no idea what to do with a hard boiled egg!

I have had issues with food quite literally since the day I was born according to my mother. Surely I didn't learn that behaviour at a day old??

I am so worried for the future. I know where I am headed - type two diabetes that I will be unable to control with a diet like mine, a lifetime of tablets or maybe even injections because of it. Knees that will buckle under my weight due to osteoarthritis, an inability to climb stairs, having to give up the job I love with every fibre of my being and that I have worked so damn hard to get because I simply cannot stand for thirteen hours a day anymore. Eventually I will become housebound because of the pain, I wont be able to get up and down the stairs to get out. I wont be able to go shopping or out with friends. Everything I have worked so hard for will be gone and I will be stuck in the house getting fatter because I cannot exercise and I eat like a toddler.

I don't want any of this. I know I have to change, get healthier, get fitter, get thinner. The question is how the hell do I go about doing that? I honestly have no idea but if I want the life I have finally made for myself I know I have to find a way.

So I went hungry again today, I really should know better

I was in such a rush this morning and if I am honest I just didn't fancy the pasta I had prepared yesterday for my lunch so I decided to take my chances with the canteen. The food is rotten but they usually have paninis or toasties I can eat and I figured that would do.

Unfortunately we were so busy on the ward that by the time I had gotten to go for my break all the decent ones were gone. I was stuck with the actual canteen food. The only think on the menu I can stand was roast beef. Problem is I don't actually like roast beef, its always fatty but it was the only thing without loads of veg through it so I tried it.

The beef was so fatty I didn't even have more than one bite and the potatoes were rock solid so I had nothing to eat at all for my whole twelve hour shift. I wonder why I have a headache now?

I actually meant to check my blood sugar when I got home but I forgot all about it until after I had eaten and it would have been pointless then. I have mums old meter for just this type of occasion, I want to know what living like this is doing to my body. I want to know if I really am killing myself slowly and what, if anything I can do about it.

I have been trying really hard this year but I don't feel like I have accomplished anything other than adding a daily multivitamin to my morning routine. I don't feel any better and I have lost such a small amount of weight that I am honestly beginning to wonder if any of it is really worth it. I literally feel sick at the thought of changing my diet, but yet I want so badly to eat better.

You hear all these stories about people who start eating better and almost instantly they have all this energy, not me. I still feel tired all the time, still don't sleep anything close to enough and still work twelve hour shifts that might kill me if I don't do something about my lack of energy and sleep.

I have all but given up alcohol, not actually through choice but because I have a car now and I am always thinking that I might need to drive tomorrow and I wouldn't drive if I had been drinking the night before. I don't feel any better.

I take a multivitamin every day, I don't feel any better.

I eat more vegetables than I ever have in my life. I don't feel any better.

I am more active than I have ever been. I don't feel any better.

I have lost a little weight. I don't feel any better.

What exactly do I have to do to feel even just a little bit better?

I just want to be accepted for who I am

I have said before that my picky eating doesn't really bother me, and for the most part it doesn't. There are a few exceptions though, one of which is when I have contact with health professionals.

I am a health professional myself and I cannot imagine being as judgemental about people's life choices as some are about my picky eating - and that's not even a choice! I mean take smoking as an example, its a choice some people make and it can, and often does lead to health problems. However health professionals seem to understand that smoking is an addiction and that while it can be overcome, its very difficult for the person to do that. Sure they offer advice to stop, but it usually ends there.

With my picky eating however its almost always 'you need to eat more vegetables' well sorry but I cant do that! I ate my first vegetable in my early 20's so as far as I am concerned, the four vegetables that I do occasionally eat are an improvement. I am not asking for a pat on the back for managing to eat four vegetables, I understand how ridiculous that would be. But I do expect people to try to understand.

I know that there is not a lot of information out there on selective eating disorder, and that most health professionals have never met someone like me. I understand and appreciate that. However I also remember a time when there was no support for people to stop smoking, there is now. Everything has to start somewhere, all I want is support, or even understanding.

I was at the nurse last week, she informs me that I have lost around 8 kilos since I seen her last year. She told me she was happy that I have lost something and that things seem to be heading in the right direction for me, she even said she was proud that I had managed to lose weight despite my limited diet which she understands a little.

The doctor on the other hand tells me I should consider seeing a dietician. I told her I have done that before and it didn't work out, all they did was try to get me to eat more vegetables. The doctor reliably informs me that the field of dietetics has come a long way since I was a child so I asked her 'well what will they do then? if it will help I will go' She tells me 'oh they will look at what you are eating and advise you on how to eat better' I swear its like she doesn't even hear me!

I told her that simply isn't possible for me, if it was as easy as simply being told whats good for me I would have been 'cured' a long time ago. I know I could lose all this weight no problem if I could eat nothing but salad for a few months, I cannot do that it is not possible! She then basically accused me of not being willing to try and I did something I have never done in my life before - I got up and walked out!

All I want is for her to understand how hard I actually am trying, and I am getting there, just very very slowly.

It has been a while

I haven't posted on my blog for ages, its not because I have given up or that I don't care, I have just been so busy with the move to the new hospital and other things going on. Food wise, not much has changed which means I haven't really had much to blog about.

I still eat the same thing every day at work for lunch, although I am starting to get a little fed up with it now. I plan to go shopping later on today and get some supplies to try and make a few different things that I can try.

They have finally put new microwaves in the canteen, while they are a good walk away from the ward, at least they are there. That should make a difference to what I can eat while at work, I just need to get organised at making stuff in advance the way I used to do before we moved to this new hospital.

The weight is steady, I haven't lost anymore as yet, but I haven't put any of what I had lost back on either. I haven't really had the time to go to the gym for the last few weeks but I hope to start back there next week once things have quietened down a little.

I am still struggling to eat more veggies, but I am definitely managing more than I was before. No new foods though which is maybe a little disappointing, but then I haven't really been putting the same effort in over the last few weeks as I had been before.

I wish

I wish my life didn't need to revolve around what I can and can't eat.
I wish I didn't need to constantly worry about whether I will even be able to eat anything when I go to an event. Most of all, I wish I could be normal.

For the most part my picky eating doesn't really bother me, I think I cope quite well with it. I am not afraid to tell people that I am fussy, or that I cant eat certain things and I am quite good at modifying foods to make them edible when I need to..

Sometimes though, it really gets me down.

It gets to me that people know I am trying to lose weight, then they look at what I am eating and you can tell the are thinking 'how the hell is she going to lose weight eating like that, she's not even trying' I want to scream at these people 'YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD I AM TRYING!!!' you have no idea how hard it is for me to even consider eating a new food and you have no idea how hard it is knowing that the chances of me getting to a healthy weight are very slim, and that there is very little I can do about that.

I do understand that its not these peoples fault that they have no understanding of what it is like to be me. I know that the way I eat seems strange to most people and that most people couldn't imagine that the eating disorder I have is even real, but it is very real. I just wish that people wouldn't judge me. Maybe I am eating something that you perceive as being unhealthy because it is the only available option for me, that is usually the case.

This week I have had a fried breakfast twice. Being honest I could count on one hand the amount of times I have eaten a fried breakfast by choice, it is certainly not a favourite of mine but it is something I can tolerate. Out of the available options in my uni in the morning (especially now that the main canteen is closed for renovation) the only thing I can eat is either a fried breakfast or a breakfast roll containing one of the fried breakfast items. Therefore people assume that I just like to eat unhealthily and when I say that I am trying to lose weight, they think I am not trying hard enough.

Strangely enough, I don't like sweets that much, I pretty much never eat any sweets and never chocolate. People find that so odd. They find it odd that I eat like crap but will turn down chocolate. I don't get it, I am not the only person in the world that doesn't like chocolate.

I have good friends in uni, some of them really do seem to understand what I am going through. Its the first time in my life I can honestly say that I think my friends get it. Or at least they understand that I don't eat certain foods, I don't think for a minute that they have a full understanding of the reasons why. It means so much to me that they try though. For the most part they will try to help me by going places I can eat without too much trouble. One friend even left one of the uni cafes with me after I realised that there was nothing there I could eat, not everyone would do that especially since we get such short breaks between classes most of the time.

I started this blog in the hope that I could help people understand what it is really like to suffer from selective eating disorder. I don't know if I am succeeding in that as yet, but I know I will keep writing about my struggles with food until I do.

The weight is coming off!

I was at the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I have just been so busy with being on placement, pulling extra hours that I owe to make sure I can graduate on time, writing an essay and studying for an exam all at the same time while still keeping up with regular things like shopping, cooking and the occasional few hours sleep.

I was genuinely worried that I was going to have put on all the weight I had lost and then some, since you don't exactly eat well when you are working all those hours and I eat terribly anyway. I had only lost two kilograms before starting that placement but it was something and I really, really hoped I had kept it off.

I was astounded when I looked at the scales in the gym to find that not only had I kept off my two kilos, I had lost another four! I cannot tell you how happy I am right now.

I have slipped back into bad habits

With being on placement and working three or four twelve hour shifts every week for the last eight weeks while trying to write an essay, study for an exam and do my best to help out my sick mother I have slipped into my bad habits again recently.

Its really difficult for me when I am working these shifts, so little of what I eat is portable and reheatable. I guess I need to try harder if I am being honest but all I have eaten for the last eight weeks is the same three or four pasta dishes over and over again. I have three ready meals I can tolerate so I just have to rotate them, or eat toast while at work.

It is really depressing, everyone in the staff room has lovely looking salads or fruit and I have basically the same thing every day. Porridge or toast for breakfast break and one of these stupid pasta things for lunch. I don't even really like the pasta things if I am honest, but it something I know I will be able to eat since its not like I have any way to get an alternative if I don't like something.

I envy my friends sometimes

I am really not the jealous type, just ask my partner, but I do get a little envious of my friends sometimes. All my friends are what I would consider 'normal eaters' and especially at this time of year when we are getting ready for the warmer weather, at least half a dozen of them will be on a diet.

At the moment three of my friends are doing Slimming World, two are doing Weight Watchers, one is doing the 5/2 diet and a few others seem to be eating nothing but salad for every meal. Now don't get me wrong I am proud of them for sticking with it. One friend who is getting married later in the year is doing really well with Slimming World and has lost a lot of weight so far. It does upset me sometimes though because I would honestly give just about anything to be able to even just try one of these diets, or even just to eat healthier.

Even my doctor has suggested I try either Slimming World or Weight Watchers and I honestly considered it. She assured me that I would be able to eat things that are within my range of safe foods and still stick to the plan, but after spending a bit of time on each of the companies websites I quickly realised that she was completely wrong.

Losing the battle

I have not updated the blog for a while, partly because I have been really busy offline but mostly because I really have nothing to say.

When I started this blog I intended to help educate people about selective eating disorder and write about my struggle to try and eat healthier. Recently I have not been doing well.

The amount of hours I am working just now while also trying to write an essay and study for an exam are making planning and cooking ahead of time very difficult and I have slipped back into the habit of eating the same things over and over again because I know they are safe.

This is not how I want to be. I don't want to eat the same unhealthy junk every day, I want so badly to be healthy, or at least healthier. I accept my limitations and I know my diet will never be completely healthy but I honestly thought I could improve and I have been trying so hard.

My goal for the weekend

I have decided to set myself smaller goals to help me towards my healthier eating and weight-loss goals. The idea is that by breaking it down into smaller goals they will seem more achievable and I will hopefully be happily celebrating many of these small goals on my way to my big goal of getting my weight down to the point where I can pass my fitness test for the Army.

I am off all weekend, I don't start back till nightshift Monday night so I have two whole days off in a row. I plan on using that time to try and get to grips with something I am really bad at - meal planning.

I struggle with meal planning in part because I am just not very well organised a lot of the time and in part because of my eating disorder. Sometimes even foods that are a favourite will just be inedible to me for some reason, I have no idea why this is but I do know its common in people with Selective Eating Disorder.

That makes it very difficult for me to plan my meals ahead of time, what if the meal I have planned for tomorrow seems inedible to me when tomorrow actually comes around? So I have come up with a workaround for this. What I plan on doing is making a variety (or as much variety as someone like me can have) of lunches and dinners up over the weekend that can be frozen and reheated in a microwave since that's what I have in work. I can also plan some other quick to cook meals for when I don't fancy any of the frozen things but don't have a lot of time to cook which is often my problem while I am on placement.

I won't plan what days the food is to be eaten on or anything like that, I will just plan some meals to cook ahead of time and then I can just choose from those meals throughout the week. I have one of those keep cool lunch bags somewhere that will stop my frozen food from making a mess in my bag as it defrosts, I just need to find it.

This coming week I am working four nightshifts in a row which makes my meal schedule more than a little odd but I still think planning ahead of time is possible. My meals may be eaten at strange times, but that doesn't mean I cant plan them ahead of time.

Planning my meals will have a few benefits, first it will save me time which is something I really need to do on a week that involves four nightshifts. Secondly it will allow me to stick to my healthier eating a little bit better than I have done this week since I was so disorganised. Lastly I also think I might save money since buying pre-made meals is always more expensive, and I wont waste as much food since I will only buy what I need to make the meals I have planned. I will also have a shopping list to stick to which will stop me buying things I really don't need or cant use.

I am going to start by making a list of meals I can eat which are freezer safe, if I can buy the ingredients for those tomorrow I can start the cooking tomorrow night leaving Sunday free to cook the non-freezer stuff. I already have a reasonably well stocked fridge so I might even be able to start cooking with what I already have.

I haven't really planned my goal-setting any further ahead than this but I think I will make meal planning my short-term goal until I get the hang of it and it becomes a regular thing.

Really starting to struggle

I have taken a bad turn in my healthier eating this week. I am really starting to struggle now that I am on placement and doing 12 hour shifts meaning I have no choice but to eat in work. I haven't been able to find the canteen yet and even if I could I am told its in another building and would probably take at least ten minutes each way to get there and back, I only have a half hour break.

That means I have to take food with me which I thought would make things so much easier than when I am in uni since I have access to a microwave and a toaster but I am really struggling. To be fair I don't think its impossible, I just think I need to get more organised with making meals in advance that are at least a little healthy but I sit there watching everyone else eating their salads and I feel such jealousy, I want to be able to eat like that so badly.

I do think I deserve a bit of credit for how hard I have been working though, my diet over these last few weeks (this week excluded) has probably been the best in my whole life. Its a big step and although it has not been easy I have shown myself that I can add foods to my diet, all be it in very small amounts.

The problem is that I am placed at a hospital at the complete opposite end of the city from where I live meaning I have to drive to my nearest subway station (I don't live anywhere near the subway route) and park and ride to the stop nearest placement. It actually doesn't take as long as you would think since the subway is quite quick but it means I am out of the house for around 14-15 hours depending on when I actually leave the hospital and how icy my car is when I get back to it. After all that I simply don't have the energy to cook my dinner, let alone cook something for the next day as well.

I actually feel really ill today, I have been working the last two days and I clearly haven't drank enough as I feel like I have a bad hangover today. Its a busy place and we only get two half hour breaks a day, sometimes you just don't have time to nip to the kitchen for a glass of water since its conveniently located right at the far end of the place, ages away from the actual ward part of the ward.

My goal for next week is to attempt to cook some meals in advance so that I am eating properly both at work and at home and to drink more water throughout the day so I don't feel like this again. My goal for the rest of this week is just to get through it, the first week is always hard since its been so long since you have worked these long shifts.

I have just eaten the healthiest meal of my life

I am actually quite excited by the fact that I am pretty sure I just ate something that can be considered to be a healthy meal. I haven't logged it into my Noom app yet but I am pretty sure it will be happy with my food choices for once.

I had boneless pork chops (just the middle bit, I cant have any fatty stuff), mushrooms which I fried with my Flora pro-active light butter stuff which supposedly lowers your cholesterol and is a green food in Noom, broccoli and salad. Yes I actually ate salad!

I have found a bagged salad I can tolerate, its called 'bistro salad' and it has a few (three I think) different salad leaves in it and some shredded beetroot which I actually completely forgot I knew I liked. I had tried it once before and liked it but never found a way to buy/cook it that made it the same. I tried boiling it but that made it soggy and I cant stand anything pickled so I have never been able to recreate the crunchy shredded stuff and I totally forgot all about liking it that way.

I am really weird about how I eat the salad, but I don't care at least I am eating it. I am only eating the leafy part of the leafs, I find the texture of the stalky bits too weird but hey that's a big improvement on even just a few weeks ago. Before I had eaten the occasional salad leaf but it certainly wasn't something I would say I enjoyed and it was something I very rarely bought because most of it would go to waste. This time I looked at all the different bags of salad available in the supermarket and looked for what looked the most similar to what I have eaten on those occasions. I think I have found one I can stick to and I am overjoyed.

Don't get me wrong I still couldn't eat a vegetable without something else in the same mouthful, so as soon as I ran out of pork I couldn't eat any more but progress is progress. Maybe I will always need to have my veggies with another food to accompany them, I honestly don't care as long as I find a way to eat them.

Add that to my recent one kilogram weight-loss and I am one pretty excited lady. I can do this!

I cheated on my healthy eating

I cheated on my healthy eating last night, then I ate the leftovers today. I don't know if that counts as one cheat or two but either way its not good.

I had such a busy day yesterday, I was out of the house doing things in the morning then I dropped the other half off at work at mid-day and went to the shops to get some food for the party we are having in uni tomorrow for the last day.

I then came home and put the food stuff in the freezer and started on a mountain of phone calls. I actually only had to make two calls, but I had no number for the most important one and it took a further half dozen calls, a facebook request and a google search to locate the number I needed. I had called the main switchboard three times and been put through to the wrong person but I did eventually get the person I needed to get who for the record was no help whatsoever.

The extra time spent trying to locate a phone number which should have been easily accessible to me in the first place meant I was chasing my tail for the rest of the day. I had to go back out and get another few bits and bobs and run some other errands then I had about an hour at home to try and wash my uniform and eat something before heading into town to meet a friend to go to see the Reserve Army recruitment people.

I didn't get home till just before ten and I still had a mountain of stuff to do, I had also gotten soaked in the rain and was not best pleased. All I wanted at that point was a shower then my bed, but I had lots of stuff still to do.

I had messages from my freelance clients to return and one freelance client that has totally disappeared to try and get through to, emails to deal with, stuff to print for uni today and then I had to go get the other half from work. I literally hadn't stopped at this point and it was 11pm.

There is a Chinese take away next door to his work so we just got food there and brought it home. I did feel guilty about cheating on my healthy eating since I have been doing so well (as well as someone like me can anyway) but do you know what, I deserve a treat every so often just like anyone else. Its not like I eat take away food all the time or anything like that, and I don't go mad on the rare occasion that I do. Quite often we will get one meal between us or I will do like I did last night and keep the leftovers for the next day if we are each wanting different things.

Finally at a little after midnight I got my shower and eventually got to bed around two after finishing off wee things like packing my bag and reading over my notes for my lab class this morning.

I guess after a long day like that I shouldn't be too hard on myself for cheating on my healthy eating plan.

Maybe this weight-loss thing will work out after all

I was at the gym a few hours ago. I have a routine when I get there which involves weighing myself before I start my workout. That's the best time to weigh yourself because you are usually slightly heavier after a workout due to your muscles tensing up and the fact that you drink extra water during exercise.

I have lost a kilogram! It has been weeks of work and over a week of following the Noom app's guidelines but I have actually lost something and I am really pleased.

Noom has been moaning at me that I have missed my weekly weigh in for the last few days, I don't understand why because I only ever do my weight on a Tuesday and I have only been using the app for a little over a week. I hope by doing it today it will make Tuesday my weekly weigh in day. Although my schedule will be changing next week and I have no idea when my free time will be, but I do know I will have a lot less of it.

I am still struggling a little with the colour coding system on Noom, I am often slightly over my amber allowance. However I am feeling more positive and I figure since I am always under my total and most days I don't eat any red food at all, being just a tiny bit over my amber allowance is not a huge deal.

The pro version of Noom allows you to join a group for support, it takes some details off you and then an actual person puts together a group for you. It takes a few days for them to set it up for you but the fact that an actual person does it means that you are put in a group with people who are similar to you in terms of their goals and their fitness level. My group went live today and I am quite excited to get support and encouragement from people like me. Although I highly doubt they will all be picky eaters, at least they are people who share my long term goal of losing this weight.

Overall I am feeling much more positive about things. I still plan to try and make changes to my diet where I can but I am also looking for more ways to work around it, just like I always have. My food issues are a part of me and they always will be, I guess I just need to learn to accept it like I did before I started on this journey.

I am still going to mention all this at my doctors appointment tomorrow. I doubt they can help me, I doubt they will even understand but its worth a try. The doctor I am seeing tomorrow is actually really nice, most of the doctors at my surgery are actually quite horrible but the woman I am seeing tomorrow is lovely. I hope she will be understanding even if she cant actually do anything to help. I guess I just need to feel somehow validated by the medical community, like I actually have an eating disorder - I am not just weird. Perhaps then people will understand that I am not this fat because I sit around and eat all day, or because I am lazy or any of those other things that people think fat people do. I am trying really hard, I don't need or want to be told to eat more vegetables, like that would be some sort of magic cure, even if it was possible.

I had a bit of a meltdown

I had a bit of a meltdown the other day when I realised just how bad my eating is in terms of trying to lose weight. I realised that the Noom app finds everything I eat, save a few exceptions, as being amber foods and although I can stay under my total daily calories with no effort whatsoever (in fact the app often reminds me I need to eat), I am always over the amber section.

For the first time in my life I actually cried because I felt so bad about the way I eat, I just want to be 'normal' whatever that is. I have honestly never been upset about my eating, or my weight for that matter before now.

Coincidentally my mother called during my meltdown she made things a lot worse and said 'oh and I guess this is all my fault because I never forced you to eat healthier.' I only wish she understood that her positive attitude towards my eating is likely the reason it took 28 years before I had a meltdown over it. Mum was always great about my refusal to eat certain foods.

Is there a part of me that wishes she had been able to convince me to eat better? yes there is, but there is no part of me that wishes she had force fed me in order to do that. I cannot stress enough how fortunate I am to have a (mostly) positive attitude towards the way I eat. So many people like me are embarrassed by it and some even panic if they are faced with a social situation involving food. I don't have these issues and I honestly thing that's because my mother never made a fuss about the problems I have. By not making an issue of it at home, it never became an issue for me. I eat what I can and I don't have a problem with what other people think about that.

The other day however, I was really upset. I am trying so hard, I even tried to eat salad tonight and I actually managed a few leaves along with half a chicken breast. I learned that I definitely do not like rocket but I can handle a little spinach and watercress. I hope that if I try to incorporate those into more meals I will slowly build on the amount of them I am able to take. I did feel a little nauseous but nothing overwhelming and I suspect its because I really didn't like the rocket. I should know better than to try two new things at once (I have had spinach before), from now on only one new thing in any meal.

At least my meltdown didn't put me off trying I guess. I have decided that I will speak to my doctor about it, I have an appointment on Wednesday for something else anyway. I haven't tried to talk to a doctor about this since I was a kid and they finally stopped banging on to me about eating vegetables. They sent me to a dietician and everything when I was in my early teens, I went to the appointment thinking someone was going to try and help me manage my diet a little better (I had no interest in changing it then) but all she did is tell me that the only thing I could do is eat vegetables and maybe try fruit as a snack. She had no understanding whatsoever of my food issues, since dietetics is her forte and she didn't understand, I have never bothered a medical professional with it again.

That was at least 15 years ago though and hopefully things have changed, I did mention it to the practice nurse last time I seen her because she was trying to encourage me to lose weight. I mentioned it almost in passing, something along the lines of 'don't tell me to diet, I cant do it I have selective eating disorder and nothing is going to change that' she actually tried to understand a little, although it was clear she didn't have much knowledge of the condition.

I don't know what I hope to gain by discussing it with the doctor, I am not sure I want therapy of any kind. I am not sure if there is therapy of any kind for SED, I know some people in my support group have tried hypnotherapy but I don't see me getting that on the NHS and even if I did its quite well known that hypnotherapy doesn't work in people who like to be in control all the time, I think that's me.

Maybe the doctor can help and maybe they cant, to be totally honest I would just love it if there was some sort of note put on my file to tell them to stop moaning at me about my weight, I am doing everything I can and them moaning at me about it is only likely to send me into another meltdown since I now have the ability to have a meltdown. I have never been that distressed in my life before, I honestly didn't think I had it in me. I am not an emotional person at all, I took myself a little by surprise if I am honest.