Back to the gym

I started back at the gym last night. It has been ages since I have been there. I got so disheartened with not losing any weight, then I took ill and it was the perfect excuse to stop going for a while.

I am getting pretty much nowhere with trying to change my diet, and absolutely nowhere with losing weight. In fact according to my scales, I have put three of the kilograms I lost back on recently. I am still under the weight I was when I first started on this journey by five kilos but putting anything back on still feels bad.

The good news is that I finally got a date for my ultrasound scan to see what is going on with this gallbladder. My bloods all came back ok so my own doctor is a little confused by the whole thing but I am sure that is what it is because sometimes when I eat I am in agony afterwords which is classic of a problem gallbladder.

What is not classic of a problem gallbladder is that the foods that set it off aren't always the same. For example on the rare occasion I go to the works canteen I will always get macaroni cheese if it is available because it's about the only hot thing I can eat that they make. I have had this at work several times since the gallbladder became a problem. Since I finished my old job off a nightshift on Sunday morning and started my new job on a dayshift Monday, I have had no time to go to the supermarket in between so have relied on the canteen this past week. For the most part this is a nightmare for me, but old faithful macaroni cheese was one of the choices on Tuesday so I got that. The pain was immediate, I hadn't even finished eating and I was in agony which lasted for three days!

I need to lose weight, I need to eat better.

I simply don't know what to do. I have even considered contacting an eating disorders charity based in the city, their website lists both SED and ARFID as disorders they are familiar with. I don't know what, if any help they could give me. There really isn't any help out there but I definitely do need help. If only I knew how to get it.

How did I end up like this?

I guess a question most picky eaters like me ask themselves is how did I end up like this? or even why me?

I know its a question I often ask, I wonder why I am the way I am. I honestly think if I could figure out why I am the way I am, really find the root of the problem then maybe I could fix it.

I think about phobias and how they often start with a bad experience. I have never had a bad experience with food that either myself or my mother are aware of. I am not scared of food the way I would be if I had a phobia, other people's food doesn't bother me at all.

Was I just a fussy child that was allowed to get away with it? That's what the internet wants you to believe. Most articles about adult picky eaters will have at least a dozen comments along those lines, if it isn't the theme of the article itself that is. This is the hardest question to answer because I was never force fed anything as a child, never left sitting at the table with the same meal in front of me till I ate it the way some folks are. I never felt forced to eat things I didn't like so that would suggest I was allowed to get away with my fussiness. However I was always like this, at school, at home, at friends houses. Surely if it was just to get my own way I would have eaten those bloomin' potatoes in school so I could get outside to play, but I just couldn't they were a bizarre texture and I was always sitting in the lunch hall till lessons started again.

Lets just say for a minute that I was a fussy kid who was allowed to get away with being that way - then why as an adult cant I change? I desperately want to eat better, am at my wits end trying to lose weight and literally begging doctors for a solution I know they will never find. If I was just a fussy kid then why didn't I eat salad like my friends did when I was a teenager? Why did I refuse to go to events that involved food because I was too scared there would be nothing I could eat? I didn't choose to be this way.

Why does even the thought of some foods make me sick? Why did I once vomit because my hotdog had touched an onion and I could taste the offending onion even though there were no onions there? I just don't understand why I am like this, why me? I want so badly to change.

Finally done the food shop

I was supposed to do the food shop the other day but I ended up doing a whole load of other stuff and simply didn't have time.

Today I went to Costco and got my usual supplies from there. I buy things like bottles of pepsi max out of there because they work out a lot cheaper but I don't buy much of their food because its usually very expensive. Today they had a deal on steak mince so I bought a 2.5 kilo packet which I will use to make lasagne and bolognaise tomorrow.

I promised myself I would use at least one day this week to cook some meals up that I can freeze so that gives me plenty to be getting on with. I also went to the regular supermarket and bought some chicken so that I can make that slimming world chili chicken thing that I made last week. Again I bought quite a big packet so I can make a good amount to give some for freezing.

I am very much looking forward to having some meals pre-made in the freezer just waiting to be reheated and eaten. Sometimes my biggest problem is that I cant be bothered cooking or that I don't have the time it takes to make a decent meal. When you have SED it takes twice as long to cook because you need to cut everything a certain way or cook it just so. For example if I am cooking chicken I cannot just chop that chicken into chunks. I must first cut all the fat or whatever that white stuff is off it, remove the cartilage and take out all the veiney bits. As I am chopping if I come across a vein or something like that then I need to get rid of it, that means checking every chunk as I cut it. It probably takes me twice as long to chop chicken as it would a normal person.

I used to be quite good at making things in advance to freeze but I somehow got out of the habit over the years but it is a habit I plan on returning to. Once I get back into the swing of buying and cooking the extra. Its not like it takes much more time and effort really because I am simply making bigger portions of whatever I am making at the time and freezing what I don't use.

I think being organised is going to be the key to my healthier eating/weight loss plans because it is too easy to turn to the same old junk when you are busy. It also gives me the chance to experiment (as much as someone like me can anyway) with foods in the comfort of my own kitchen. If I like them then its something else to add to the safe food list and I can potentially take it to work with me for lunch.

I still think work is my biggest barrier and this is one way round it. all I have to do is get a little more organised, surely it cant be that hard.

Need to do a food shop

Food shopping is something I struggle with, not necessarily because of my SED but because I just hate shopping. I hate the crowds and the waiting about, most of all I hate wondering around trying to find things that I just cant find.

This usually leads to me buying the same old stuff every time which does nothing to help my pitiful attempts at eating better. I buy foods I know are safe, foods I know I can eat and nothing else an while it might make sense to buy things I know I can eat what happens is I buy the same old junk week in week out.

I sometimes think its because I simply cant be bothered checking the ingredients of every single thing I buy, other times I think its because I am scared of trying things only not to like them and have to throw them away. I cant afford to throw food away, its as simple as that.

I am off on holiday just now and one of the things I promised I would do is cook and freeze some meals ready for going back to work. I managed to cook a slimming world meal last week (with a few minor variations) so I plan on making a massive pot of that and freezing it. I also like bolognaise so I will make a big pot of that too, I might make it in the slow cooker actually.

Other than those two dishes, I have no other meals planned. Perhaps I should work on my meal planning skills before I head out for my shopping. I did manage to find four slimming world recipes that I could adapt to make them edible, the only problem was they were all chicken based. I love chicken don't get me wrong, but I really don't want to eat nothing but chicken for weeks at a time.

I am going to go back to the website where I got the four recipes from to see if I can find some more meals that I can adapt to suit my impossible eating habits. This could take a while!

Going to give the doctor another try

I am on annual leave next week and I plan on trying to see the doctor. I say trying because it is about as difficult to get an appointment at my surgery as it is to get a lunch date with the queen but I will call and ask.

I have a few issues niggling away at me that I want to discuss with them. My weight is an obvious one and I am sure the subject of my picky eating will come up so I will try my best to explain it to them and not get frustrated when they don't understand.

I have a few other things that I want to get checked out but I have a feeling my weight will bear the brunt of the blame in their eyes. This time however, I can at least show them that I am trying to do something about it.

I may have gotten disillusioned for a while, you could maybe even say I gave up briefly but I have come to the realisation that I cannot let food control me any more.

I am back using the noom app on my phone and have found a pretty supportive group there and I have even found some slimming world recipes that I have been able to adapt in ways that mean I might eat them. I have only actually made one of them so far but do you know something? it was actually quite nice!

My partner has agreed to try to eat better too. He doesn't have a picky eating problem, in fact before we lived together he would eat everything and anything, apart from mushrooms. He does however have a problem where he eats junk when I eat junk, both of us have gotten lazy when it comes to food. We rely on the same old rubbish food time and time again because we know I will be able to eat it.

We have both realised that it will take the two of us working together to really make a change. I think it will be much easier with us both trying hard to think up and make healthier meals. I just have to trust him to cook for me, something I still struggle with even after all these years.

New year, new me

Who am I kidding? I would give anything to say that this is the year I will finally change. I will somehow resolve to eating better and it will magically happen because I willed it so. That I will put in hours at the gym and that for the first time ever it wont all be for nothing. I don't see any of that happening.

When I first started blogging about my life as a picky eater I was so full of optimism, I had found support, found other people like me and that was somehow all the validation I needed to realise that I did have a real eating disorder. If people could overcome disorders like anorexia or bulimia then I could overcome this.

Now I am so disheartened that I haven't even updated my blog since September! You see I have realised that there are some major differences between selective eating disorder and the more well known eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. The first major difference is that no one knows that selective eating disorder is even a real thing, not even medical professionals! The look I got when I tried to explain to my doctor is something that will forever stick with me. The other major difference is that there is help available for the more known disorders, there are clinics that specialise in treating them and all sorts of therapies for people to try. For selective eating disorder there is nothing at all, except advice to eat better which is impossible.

I have myself convinced that there is something medically wrong with me, perhaps an underactive thyroid or polycystic ovaries. As a nurse I do know that I have many of the symptoms of both of these but I also know how dangerous it is to get yourself convinced that there is something wrong with you, you start thinking you have all the symptoms, even if what you actually have is the complete opposite.

Surely there has to be something wrong with me though? this just isn't normal. No matter how much better I try and eat, how much less I eat and how many hours I have spent in the gym. No matter how active I am at work as a nurse on my feet for thirteen hours a day I have yet to lose anymore than the six kilos I originally lost in the first few months of starting this blog. No matter how often my phone tells me I am not eating enough, I cannot lose another pound. That cant be normal surely?

Having vile hatred for food I have never even tasted is not normal, neither is only eating four vegetables or having to have your food cooked a certain way before you could even consider it as being food. Recognised disorder or not, this is simply not a normal relationship with food.

I think back to my childhood. Did I ever have a bad experience with food? Not that I can remember. Well apart from that time I went to the boy next door's house for dinner and his mum made hard boiled eggs, I didn't even know what they were. I literally didn't recognise them as being food. To me eggs were those things with the yellow stuff that you dipped your toast into after you had scraped away all the horrible looking white stuff. I had no idea what to do with a hard boiled egg!

I have had issues with food quite literally since the day I was born according to my mother. Surely I didn't learn that behaviour at a day old??

I am so worried for the future. I know where I am headed - type two diabetes that I will be unable to control with a diet like mine, a lifetime of tablets or maybe even injections because of it. Knees that will buckle under my weight due to osteoarthritis, an inability to climb stairs, having to give up the job I love with every fibre of my being and that I have worked so damn hard to get because I simply cannot stand for thirteen hours a day anymore. Eventually I will become housebound because of the pain, I wont be able to get up and down the stairs to get out. I wont be able to go shopping or out with friends. Everything I have worked so hard for will be gone and I will be stuck in the house getting fatter because I cannot exercise and I eat like a toddler.

I don't want any of this. I know I have to change, get healthier, get fitter, get thinner. The question is how the hell do I go about doing that? I honestly have no idea but if I want the life I have finally made for myself I know I have to find a way.

So I went hungry again today, I really should know better

I was in such a rush this morning and if I am honest I just didn't fancy the pasta I had prepared yesterday for my lunch so I decided to take my chances with the canteen. The food is rotten but they usually have paninis or toasties I can eat and I figured that would do.

Unfortunately we were so busy on the ward that by the time I had gotten to go for my break all the decent ones were gone. I was stuck with the actual canteen food. The only think on the menu I can stand was roast beef. Problem is I don't actually like roast beef, its always fatty but it was the only thing without loads of veg through it so I tried it.

The beef was so fatty I didn't even have more than one bite and the potatoes were rock solid so I had nothing to eat at all for my whole twelve hour shift. I wonder why I have a headache now?

I actually meant to check my blood sugar when I got home but I forgot all about it until after I had eaten and it would have been pointless then. I have mums old meter for just this type of occasion, I want to know what living like this is doing to my body. I want to know if I really am killing myself slowly and what, if anything I can do about it.

I have been trying really hard this year but I don't feel like I have accomplished anything other than adding a daily multivitamin to my morning routine. I don't feel any better and I have lost such a small amount of weight that I am honestly beginning to wonder if any of it is really worth it. I literally feel sick at the thought of changing my diet, but yet I want so badly to eat better.

You hear all these stories about people who start eating better and almost instantly they have all this energy, not me. I still feel tired all the time, still don't sleep anything close to enough and still work twelve hour shifts that might kill me if I don't do something about my lack of energy and sleep.

I have all but given up alcohol, not actually through choice but because I have a car now and I am always thinking that I might need to drive tomorrow and I wouldn't drive if I had been drinking the night before. I don't feel any better.

I take a multivitamin every day, I don't feel any better.

I eat more vegetables than I ever have in my life. I don't feel any better.

I am more active than I have ever been. I don't feel any better.

I have lost a little weight. I don't feel any better.

What exactly do I have to do to feel even just a little bit better?

I just want to be accepted for who I am

I have said before that my picky eating doesn't really bother me, and for the most part it doesn't. There are a few exceptions though, one of which is when I have contact with health professionals.

I am a health professional myself and I cannot imagine being as judgemental about people's life choices as some are about my picky eating - and that's not even a choice! I mean take smoking as an example, its a choice some people make and it can, and often does lead to health problems. However health professionals seem to understand that smoking is an addiction and that while it can be overcome, its very difficult for the person to do that. Sure they offer advice to stop, but it usually ends there.

With my picky eating however its almost always 'you need to eat more vegetables' well sorry but I cant do that! I ate my first vegetable in my early 20's so as far as I am concerned, the four vegetables that I do occasionally eat are an improvement. I am not asking for a pat on the back for managing to eat four vegetables, I understand how ridiculous that would be. But I do expect people to try to understand.

I know that there is not a lot of information out there on selective eating disorder, and that most health professionals have never met someone like me. I understand and appreciate that. However I also remember a time when there was no support for people to stop smoking, there is now. Everything has to start somewhere, all I want is support, or even understanding.

I was at the nurse last week, she informs me that I have lost around 8 kilos since I seen her last year. She told me she was happy that I have lost something and that things seem to be heading in the right direction for me, she even said she was proud that I had managed to lose weight despite my limited diet which she understands a little.

The doctor on the other hand tells me I should consider seeing a dietician. I told her I have done that before and it didn't work out, all they did was try to get me to eat more vegetables. The doctor reliably informs me that the field of dietetics has come a long way since I was a child so I asked her 'well what will they do then? if it will help I will go' She tells me 'oh they will look at what you are eating and advise you on how to eat better' I swear its like she doesn't even hear me!

I told her that simply isn't possible for me, if it was as easy as simply being told whats good for me I would have been 'cured' a long time ago. I know I could lose all this weight no problem if I could eat nothing but salad for a few months, I cannot do that it is not possible! She then basically accused me of not being willing to try and I did something I have never done in my life before - I got up and walked out!

All I want is for her to understand how hard I actually am trying, and I am getting there, just very very slowly.

Braving the canteen

 

I am being forced to brave the canteen in the hospital tomorrow, and likely for the rest of the week. I came off nightshift yesterday and start back on days tomorrow. With the amount of things I have had to do today, I simply haven't had time to get to the supermarket to purchase my usual lunch supplies.

Truth be told I am starting to get a little bored of eating the same thing every day anyway, but I cant say I am looking forward to the canteen one bit.


Although I take my own lunch every day, we have to go to the canteen to eat so I get a chance to see the menu which has occasionally had things I would eat on it. However it has also had things like macaroni cheese with leek in it that even my normal eating colleagues said sounded more than a little strange. I love macaroni cheese, but I couldn't be within ten feet of a leek!

They do also sell pre-packed sandwiches, but whether there will be any I can eat or not I don't know. Surely they will have at least one plain sandwich? I can eat cheese, chicken or tuna on a sandwich and if I am really pushed I can tolerate ham although I would rather not. Surely there will be at least one of those?

I absolutely have to get something to eat, I couldn't work a twelve hour shift with nothing to eat all day. I guess worst case scenario there is a shop that sells some sandwiches and stuff, although its a well known, far too fancy for me chain of shops so I doubt I will be able to get anything there.

Looks like I am back to picking stuff out of my food again!

It has been a while

I haven't posted on my blog for ages, its not because I have given up or that I don't care, I have just been so busy with the move to the new hospital and other things going on. Food wise, not much has changed which means I haven't really had much to blog about.

I still eat the same thing every day at work for lunch, although I am starting to get a little fed up with it now. I plan to go shopping later on today and get some supplies to try and make a few different things that I can try.

They have finally put new microwaves in the canteen, while they are a good walk away from the ward, at least they are there. That should make a difference to what I can eat while at work, I just need to get organised at making stuff in advance the way I used to do before we moved to this new hospital.

The weight is steady, I haven't lost anymore as yet, but I haven't put any of what I had lost back on either. I haven't really had the time to go to the gym for the last few weeks but I hope to start back there next week once things have quietened down a little.

I am still struggling to eat more veggies, but I am definitely managing more than I was before. No new foods though which is maybe a little disappointing, but then I haven't really been putting the same effort in over the last few weeks as I had been before.

A great friend

I was in uni today for a few hours with a friend to get some last minute revision in for an exam we have coming up. We had agreed before hand that we would go for lunch after the revision session. I wasn't worried, the places we usually go to eat are places I know well enough to know that I can find something to eat.

We were just getting ready to leave when I asked her where she wanted to go for lunch, she turned to me and said 'You pick, I can eat anywhere but you can't. I am happy to go wherever suits you' I swear I could have cried.

It seems like such a silly thing I know but its honestly the first time anyone has ever said anything like that to me. Shown a real understanding of my problems and actually cared about them. She is a great friend indeed.

We went to an Italian place where we have gone a few times, they have a lunch deal where you get a starter and main. There is one of each I can eat and I actually don't even need to modify them in anyway, I just don't touch the dipping sauce. For someone like me to be able to go into a restaurant and order something off the regular menu without having to alter it, that's a big deal. The prices are pretty good too and the portions are big enough if you are hungry, but not so big that you are overwhelmed by the amount of food on your plate.

While we were there we started talking about the upcoming graduation ball. My friend asked if I knew what the meal was going to be and I said no. She knew I had asked them to contact me about dietary requirements (I wrote a post about it at the time) but they have yet to do so. She suggested I try and find out who to contact as £40 for a ticket and not to get anything to eat is ridiculous, plus it will be a long night to go hungry.

She asked what I usually do for things like that and I told her I just try to make it work and eat what I can of whatever they serve which usually involves picking stuff out, scraping stuff off or not eating at all. She said that was terrible and I really should be telling people about my dietary requirements ahead of time so that they could accommodate me. I pointed out that not everyone is as understanding as her and that I really don't like to make a fuss. She said she would be making a fuss if it was her, its not fair of people to expect me not to eat anything all night.

The thing is that people do not expect other people to have a problem like mine. No one expects me to be sitting there with nothing to eat, they expect me to eat what everyone else is eating. If only that were possible.

I eat the same thing for lunch every single day

I eat the same thing for lunch every single day at work now, with one minor variation. Every day I have two small rolls, the type that come already sliced, with turkey and mayo. Most days I have a slice of cheese but some days I don't.

I have eaten this every day since a week after I started at the new hospital and realised that eating in the canteen wasn't going to work out.  So why does that mean I need to eat the exact same thing every day? Well lots of reasons really.

Firstly  there are no microwaves, toasters or kettles in the wards of the new hospital, although we can get hot water from the ward kitchens or pay for it in the canteen (yes they charge nurses for hot water). There is one microwave in the canteen - one microwave for all those staff, so your chances of getting to use it and still have time to eat your food within your half hour break are slim to none. That leaves two choices - either pay a fortune for food that I may or may not be able to eat and wait ages in the queue to get it then ages in another queue to pay for it (there are two till points in the whole place) or bring in something that doesn't need heated.

My list of foods that don't need heated is a very small one. I can eat some cold meats but not many, I can eat ham but I spend ages cutting off the fatty bits and I simply don't have time to do that in the morning before I leave. I don't eat salad or anything else like that so that pretty much leaves me with turkey and/or cheese on a roll.

I don't get bored of my safe foods easily, but I have weeks and weeks left at the new hospital and I am sure I will get bored eventually, plus I am hoping to get a full time post there later in the year. I have to come up with a solution to my food problem, and I have no idea how I am going to do that.

I simply have to find something else to eat.

Great advice

I have been on nightshift the last few weeks which means I have my break by myself as we have to go one at a time since there are less people working nights than there are on days. This means I spend a lot of time reading nonsense on my phone.

I was going through my recommended stories on my google now app and an advice page popped up, not the type of thing I normally read, but the title had me interested. It was something along the lines of 'girlfriend eats like a toddler' and of course I immidiately identified with it.

I started reading, the man writing the letter was complaining that he is a chef and therefore loves to cook but the fact that his girlfriend only eats 'toddler food' as he described it, is putting him off. He acutally says in his letter that he doesn't think he can live with it much longer and is considering leaving her!

I was upset on this poor girls behalf, but my mood soon changed when I began reading the agony aunt's answer. She basically tore him a new one and even mentioned selective eating disorder. She explained to the letter writer a bit about what selective eating disorder is, the fact that it is a real problem and basically he needs to be more understanding. She also said that she has heard of some people with selective eating disorder having some success with cognative behavioural therapy (CBT). I dont think CBT is something I would be willing to try, but I am so happy to hear that some people are finding ways to get over this horrible disorder.

I also feel the need to point out that my partner is also a chef and we have had no such issues with my diet. He is more than happy to let me cook most of the time since he knows I prefer to cook my own meals so I am sure I know what's in them. As the years have gone on he has learned my preferences and I have learned to trust him to make certain meals for me. I guess its a give and take thing, I had to learn to trust him with food and he had to learn how to deal with my problems with food and what that means for cooking. I really am so lucky to have him.

I wish

I wish my life didn't need to revolve around what I can and can't eat.
I wish I didn't need to constantly worry about whether I will even be able to eat anything when I go to an event. Most of all, I wish I could be normal.

For the most part my picky eating doesn't really bother me, I think I cope quite well with it. I am not afraid to tell people that I am fussy, or that I cant eat certain things and I am quite good at modifying foods to make them edible when I need to..

Sometimes though, it really gets me down.

It gets to me that people know I am trying to lose weight, then they look at what I am eating and you can tell the are thinking 'how the hell is she going to lose weight eating like that, she's not even trying' I want to scream at these people 'YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD I AM TRYING!!!' you have no idea how hard it is for me to even consider eating a new food and you have no idea how hard it is knowing that the chances of me getting to a healthy weight are very slim, and that there is very little I can do about that.

I do understand that its not these peoples fault that they have no understanding of what it is like to be me. I know that the way I eat seems strange to most people and that most people couldn't imagine that the eating disorder I have is even real, but it is very real. I just wish that people wouldn't judge me. Maybe I am eating something that you perceive as being unhealthy because it is the only available option for me, that is usually the case.

This week I have had a fried breakfast twice. Being honest I could count on one hand the amount of times I have eaten a fried breakfast by choice, it is certainly not a favourite of mine but it is something I can tolerate. Out of the available options in my uni in the morning (especially now that the main canteen is closed for renovation) the only thing I can eat is either a fried breakfast or a breakfast roll containing one of the fried breakfast items. Therefore people assume that I just like to eat unhealthily and when I say that I am trying to lose weight, they think I am not trying hard enough.

Strangely enough, I don't like sweets that much, I pretty much never eat any sweets and never chocolate. People find that so odd. They find it odd that I eat like crap but will turn down chocolate. I don't get it, I am not the only person in the world that doesn't like chocolate.

I have good friends in uni, some of them really do seem to understand what I am going through. Its the first time in my life I can honestly say that I think my friends get it. Or at least they understand that I don't eat certain foods, I don't think for a minute that they have a full understanding of the reasons why. It means so much to me that they try though. For the most part they will try to help me by going places I can eat without too much trouble. One friend even left one of the uni cafes with me after I realised that there was nothing there I could eat, not everyone would do that especially since we get such short breaks between classes most of the time.

I started this blog in the hope that I could help people understand what it is really like to suffer from selective eating disorder. I don't know if I am succeeding in that as yet, but I know I will keep writing about my struggles with food until I do.

The weight is coming off!

I was at the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I have just been so busy with being on placement, pulling extra hours that I owe to make sure I can graduate on time, writing an essay and studying for an exam all at the same time while still keeping up with regular things like shopping, cooking and the occasional few hours sleep.

I was genuinely worried that I was going to have put on all the weight I had lost and then some, since you don't exactly eat well when you are working all those hours and I eat terribly anyway. I had only lost two kilograms before starting that placement but it was something and I really, really hoped I had kept it off.

I was astounded when I looked at the scales in the gym to find that not only had I kept off my two kilos, I had lost another four! I cannot tell you how happy I am right now.

Buffets are not alwasy a picky eater's friend

I wrote a post a while back about how buffets can sometimes be a picky eater's best friend, and I stand by that. Sometimes buffets are great because they allow you to pick and choose what you put on your plate and no one really thinks twice about what you are eating.

However that relies on there being things that you can eat, which usually for me there are. However I was at a party last night where they had quite a fancy buffet. I honestly didn't even know what half the stuff was.

I was able to find a giant plate of sausage rolls and figured I would just grab a handful of those which I did. I ate one and it was actually really nice, I bit into my second and panic set in. This was not a sausage roll but one of those cheese and onion ones that pretend to be sausage rolls. Someone had mixed them into one plate and there was no obvious way to tell them apart.

I have slipped back into bad habits

With being on placement and working three or four twelve hour shifts every week for the last eight weeks while trying to write an essay, study for an exam and do my best to help out my sick mother I have slipped into my bad habits again recently.

Its really difficult for me when I am working these shifts, so little of what I eat is portable and reheatable. I guess I need to try harder if I am being honest but all I have eaten for the last eight weeks is the same three or four pasta dishes over and over again. I have three ready meals I can tolerate so I just have to rotate them, or eat toast while at work.

It is really depressing, everyone in the staff room has lovely looking salads or fruit and I have basically the same thing every day. Porridge or toast for breakfast break and one of these stupid pasta things for lunch. I don't even really like the pasta things if I am honest, but it something I know I will be able to eat since its not like I have any way to get an alternative if I don't like something.

Hidradenitis Suppurativa - My diet might be affecting my health after all

Other than being overweight, I honestly don't think my diet affects my health much, if at all. I think the consequences of being overweight for pretty much my whole life will hit me one day, maybe they are already starting to but I honestly don't think that I am unhealthy at the moment.

In saying that, I have been dealing with a minor health issue recently and it turns out that there may be a dietary component.

For the last several years I have been getting what I would describe as large painful spots in my groin and bottom. I really didn't think much about them, as they started in my late teens I just assumed it was a hormonal thing. When it didn't improve in my twenties I still didn't think all that much about it after all I am one of those unlucky twenty-somethings who still has spots from time to time.

My mother was diagnosed with a condition called Hidradenitis Suppurativa (HS) a few years ago, which is a condition that causes sort of abscess type things, usually in the groin and armpits. Still it didn't click that my 'spots' could be related. Mum is in agony with her frequent flair ups and lesions, my spots come and go as they please and although they are painful, I am not in agony and they usually go away in a few days.

There is not much research into Hidradenitis Suppurativa, well there is research but its not conclusive. Some research suggests a genetic component, you are 30% more likely to suffer from HS if one of your parents has it. Add that to the fact that its more common in women than in men and my chances are somewhere around 50/50. Still I wasn't convinced, I had done some research for mum when she was first diagnosed so I knew what the symptoms were. I was pretty convinced that wasn't my problem, I didn't feel I got the 'spots' often enough and I don't have any scars like most people get when they have them.

I envy my friends sometimes

I am really not the jealous type, just ask my partner, but I do get a little envious of my friends sometimes. All my friends are what I would consider 'normal eaters' and especially at this time of year when we are getting ready for the warmer weather, at least half a dozen of them will be on a diet.

At the moment three of my friends are doing Slimming World, two are doing Weight Watchers, one is doing the 5/2 diet and a few others seem to be eating nothing but salad for every meal. Now don't get me wrong I am proud of them for sticking with it. One friend who is getting married later in the year is doing really well with Slimming World and has lost a lot of weight so far. It does upset me sometimes though because I would honestly give just about anything to be able to even just try one of these diets, or even just to eat healthier.

Even my doctor has suggested I try either Slimming World or Weight Watchers and I honestly considered it. She assured me that I would be able to eat things that are within my range of safe foods and still stick to the plan, but after spending a bit of time on each of the companies websites I quickly realised that she was completely wrong.

Losing the battle

I have not updated the blog for a while, partly because I have been really busy offline but mostly because I really have nothing to say.

When I started this blog I intended to help educate people about selective eating disorder and write about my struggle to try and eat healthier. Recently I have not been doing well.

The amount of hours I am working just now while also trying to write an essay and study for an exam are making planning and cooking ahead of time very difficult and I have slipped back into the habit of eating the same things over and over again because I know they are safe.

This is not how I want to be. I don't want to eat the same unhealthy junk every day, I want so badly to be healthy, or at least healthier. I accept my limitations and I know my diet will never be completely healthy but I honestly thought I could improve and I have been trying so hard.