Well the shakes worked!!!

Ok from my last post you can tell that I was really worried how I would handle my shake challenge and really sceptical about it working.

I am very proud to say that I have lost five and a half lbs! in seven days!

I wasn't brave enough to try them out while I was working in case I felt really hungry so I waited till I was on annual leave and started them last week. The first day wasn't easy I will be honest but within the first three days I had realised that I could have a very small lunch by splitting my calorie allowance and the weight started dropping off, by day three I had lost three lbs.

I can honestly say that after the first two days I was not feeling hungry at all after my shakes and they actually tasted really nice. I had loads of energy which is not like me, I attribute that to the extra vitamins in the shakes since my regular diet is so rubbish.

in fact I loved my shakes so much I have decided to join my friend in becoming a distributor for forever living. I have now had the chance to try many of their products and there are none I don't love. I am using the heat gel on my sore back and shoulder, and the moisturiser on my dry skin. I feel great and I am noticing a massive difference in my skin.

I will always be a picky eater, and I think I will always struggle with food but maybe I have finally found something that can at least help with the weight.

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I have to lose this weight - drastic measures

I know I need to lose this weight, it has very much been at the forefront of my mind recently. I feel awful, I am tired all the time and I have been sicker this year than I ever have been in my life.

This is almost certainly related to my diet, but more so I think to my weight. My diet is bad, I am fully aware of that but I am making the effort as much as possible and things are definitely better than they were. So why do I feel worse?

The obvious answer is my weight. Although my diet has improved somewhat, my weight has never recovered. I remain heavier than I used to be, and only three kilos lighter than I was when I started this journey. Something drastic needs to happen, and it needs to happen soon.

I started taking these tablets that reduce your body's absorption of carbs and fat from the foods you eat. I don't eat that much fat, but I sure do love my carbs. The problem is I take medication that can't be taken at the same time as the tablets, you need a clear two hour window between them. Since I do not have two hours to wait around in the mornings I can't take the tablets at breakfast. Not a huge deal I figure, better to take them twice a day than never. Only problem is that I have been forgetting to lift them to take them to work with me so they are really not doing anything for me. I am also a little worried about the effect they might have on my medication so although I was really into the idea when I bought them, I am now not so sure.

A good friend of mine has recently started working with one of those companies that sell all sorts of supplements, shakes and skincare stuff and was looking for some people to try their shakes for a week. I signed straight up! What the heck am I thinking? The plan is to have a shake for breakfast and lunch then eat a 600 calorie meal at night, you can have as much fruit and veg as you like as well.

It honestly sounds great, only breakfast is my favourite meal of the day, and the only one I eat reasonably consistently (not every day, but most days), I have no idea what a 600 calorie meal looks like and I don't eat a single fruit. I do eat four vegetables, but not on their own so that is no use either. What the heck? I am never going to be able to do this!

And this is without thinking about the taste/texture of the actual shakes, I have no idea what they are going to be like or if I will manage to even drink them in the first place. I have a feeling I may have bitten off more than I can chew here.

On the plus side, I guess it shows how serious I am about getting rid of this weight. I need to do something and it is only a week. If it doesn't work I guess I haven't lost much. I just hope that missing breakfast before work doesn't leave me hungry all day and affect my concentration because as a nurse, people's lives depend on my ability to concentrate and do my job safely and well.

I guess I have nothing to lose by giving it a try; except some unwanted weight that is!

New year, new me

Who am I kidding? I would give anything to say that this is the year I will finally change. I will somehow resolve to eating better and it will magically happen because I willed it so. That I will put in hours at the gym and that for the first time ever it wont all be for nothing. I don't see any of that happening.

When I first started blogging about my life as a picky eater I was so full of optimism, I had found support, found other people like me and that was somehow all the validation I needed to realise that I did have a real eating disorder. If people could overcome disorders like anorexia or bulimia then I could overcome this.

Now I am so disheartened that I haven't even updated my blog since September! You see I have realised that there are some major differences between selective eating disorder and the more well known eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. The first major difference is that no one knows that selective eating disorder is even a real thing, not even medical professionals! The look I got when I tried to explain to my doctor is something that will forever stick with me. The other major difference is that there is help available for the more known disorders, there are clinics that specialise in treating them and all sorts of therapies for people to try. For selective eating disorder there is nothing at all, except advice to eat better which is impossible.

I have myself convinced that there is something medically wrong with me, perhaps an underactive thyroid or polycystic ovaries. As a nurse I do know that I have many of the symptoms of both of these but I also know how dangerous it is to get yourself convinced that there is something wrong with you, you start thinking you have all the symptoms, even if what you actually have is the complete opposite.

Surely there has to be something wrong with me though? this just isn't normal. No matter how much better I try and eat, how much less I eat and how many hours I have spent in the gym. No matter how active I am at work as a nurse on my feet for thirteen hours a day I have yet to lose anymore than the six kilos I originally lost in the first few months of starting this blog. No matter how often my phone tells me I am not eating enough, I cannot lose another pound. That cant be normal surely?

Having vile hatred for food I have never even tasted is not normal, neither is only eating four vegetables or having to have your food cooked a certain way before you could even consider it as being food. Recognised disorder or not, this is simply not a normal relationship with food.

I think back to my childhood. Did I ever have a bad experience with food? Not that I can remember. Well apart from that time I went to the boy next door's house for dinner and his mum made hard boiled eggs, I didn't even know what they were. I literally didn't recognise them as being food. To me eggs were those things with the yellow stuff that you dipped your toast into after you had scraped away all the horrible looking white stuff. I had no idea what to do with a hard boiled egg!

I have had issues with food quite literally since the day I was born according to my mother. Surely I didn't learn that behaviour at a day old??

I am so worried for the future. I know where I am headed - type two diabetes that I will be unable to control with a diet like mine, a lifetime of tablets or maybe even injections because of it. Knees that will buckle under my weight due to osteoarthritis, an inability to climb stairs, having to give up the job I love with every fibre of my being and that I have worked so damn hard to get because I simply cannot stand for thirteen hours a day anymore. Eventually I will become housebound because of the pain, I wont be able to get up and down the stairs to get out. I wont be able to go shopping or out with friends. Everything I have worked so hard for will be gone and I will be stuck in the house getting fatter because I cannot exercise and I eat like a toddler.

I don't want any of this. I know I have to change, get healthier, get fitter, get thinner. The question is how the hell do I go about doing that? I honestly have no idea but if I want the life I have finally made for myself I know I have to find a way.

I just want to be accepted for who I am

I have said before that my picky eating doesn't really bother me, and for the most part it doesn't. There are a few exceptions though, one of which is when I have contact with health professionals.

I am a health professional myself and I cannot imagine being as judgemental about people's life choices as some are about my picky eating - and that's not even a choice! I mean take smoking as an example, its a choice some people make and it can, and often does lead to health problems. However health professionals seem to understand that smoking is an addiction and that while it can be overcome, its very difficult for the person to do that. Sure they offer advice to stop, but it usually ends there.

With my picky eating however its almost always 'you need to eat more vegetables' well sorry but I cant do that! I ate my first vegetable in my early 20's so as far as I am concerned, the four vegetables that I do occasionally eat are an improvement. I am not asking for a pat on the back for managing to eat four vegetables, I understand how ridiculous that would be. But I do expect people to try to understand.

I know that there is not a lot of information out there on selective eating disorder, and that most health professionals have never met someone like me. I understand and appreciate that. However I also remember a time when there was no support for people to stop smoking, there is now. Everything has to start somewhere, all I want is support, or even understanding.

I was at the nurse last week, she informs me that I have lost around 8 kilos since I seen her last year. She told me she was happy that I have lost something and that things seem to be heading in the right direction for me, she even said she was proud that I had managed to lose weight despite my limited diet which she understands a little.

The doctor on the other hand tells me I should consider seeing a dietician. I told her I have done that before and it didn't work out, all they did was try to get me to eat more vegetables. The doctor reliably informs me that the field of dietetics has come a long way since I was a child so I asked her 'well what will they do then? if it will help I will go' She tells me 'oh they will look at what you are eating and advise you on how to eat better' I swear its like she doesn't even hear me!

I told her that simply isn't possible for me, if it was as easy as simply being told whats good for me I would have been 'cured' a long time ago. I know I could lose all this weight no problem if I could eat nothing but salad for a few months, I cannot do that it is not possible! She then basically accused me of not being willing to try and I did something I have never done in my life before - I got up and walked out!

All I want is for her to understand how hard I actually am trying, and I am getting there, just very very slowly.

The weight is coming off!

I was at the gym yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. I have just been so busy with being on placement, pulling extra hours that I owe to make sure I can graduate on time, writing an essay and studying for an exam all at the same time while still keeping up with regular things like shopping, cooking and the occasional few hours sleep.

I was genuinely worried that I was going to have put on all the weight I had lost and then some, since you don't exactly eat well when you are working all those hours and I eat terribly anyway. I had only lost two kilograms before starting that placement but it was something and I really, really hoped I had kept it off.

I was astounded when I looked at the scales in the gym to find that not only had I kept off my two kilos, I had lost another four! I cannot tell you how happy I am right now.

I have slipped back into bad habits

With being on placement and working three or four twelve hour shifts every week for the last eight weeks while trying to write an essay, study for an exam and do my best to help out my sick mother I have slipped into my bad habits again recently.

Its really difficult for me when I am working these shifts, so little of what I eat is portable and reheatable. I guess I need to try harder if I am being honest but all I have eaten for the last eight weeks is the same three or four pasta dishes over and over again. I have three ready meals I can tolerate so I just have to rotate them, or eat toast while at work.

It is really depressing, everyone in the staff room has lovely looking salads or fruit and I have basically the same thing every day. Porridge or toast for breakfast break and one of these stupid pasta things for lunch. I don't even really like the pasta things if I am honest, but it something I know I will be able to eat since its not like I have any way to get an alternative if I don't like something.

I envy my friends sometimes

I am really not the jealous type, just ask my partner, but I do get a little envious of my friends sometimes. All my friends are what I would consider 'normal eaters' and especially at this time of year when we are getting ready for the warmer weather, at least half a dozen of them will be on a diet.

At the moment three of my friends are doing Slimming World, two are doing Weight Watchers, one is doing the 5/2 diet and a few others seem to be eating nothing but salad for every meal. Now don't get me wrong I am proud of them for sticking with it. One friend who is getting married later in the year is doing really well with Slimming World and has lost a lot of weight so far. It does upset me sometimes though because I would honestly give just about anything to be able to even just try one of these diets, or even just to eat healthier.

Even my doctor has suggested I try either Slimming World or Weight Watchers and I honestly considered it. She assured me that I would be able to eat things that are within my range of safe foods and still stick to the plan, but after spending a bit of time on each of the companies websites I quickly realised that she was completely wrong.