I think now is a good time to try and explain exactly what the problem with food is. I am not sure if this is something I can really explain but I will try my best.
It's a lot more than just being fussy and its definitely not about parents just 'letting me away' with not eating vegetables. I don't know what the exact problem is but I have a real proper aversion to certain foods. Some its the smell, I cant stand the way some foods smell, therefore I don't think I like how they taste, therefore I wont eat them. it doesn't matter if I have actually tasted the food in question or not.
Other times its texture. Texture issues are common in people with selective eating disorder. I don't like the way some foods feel in my mouth, or even how I think they would feel. Take tomatoes as an example, I have never eaten an actual tomato, they look like they would feel squishy and weird and I cant bring myself to try them. However I can eat tinned tomatoes, provided they are blended so there are no lumps, therefore it stands to reason that I like the flavour of tomatoes but yet I cant bring myself to eat one.
The thing is that I understand that this makes no sense, I know its weird and definitely not right. I just cant bring myself to eat a tomato, the thought of it makes me feel a little sick. I am fully aware that my food issues are completely irrational, but it doesn't make them any less real. Many foods make me sick, I have physically vomited because my food had touched an onion and I could taste the onion flavour on it despite there being no actual onions in my food.
There are many foods I have never tasted, and many that I probably never will. However my ability to try things has actually improved a whole lot over the last few years. It started with simply eating different combinations of things I know I like, and this is something I have become quite comfortable with. I no longer necessarily need to know that I like the actual dish, just that I like everything that is in it. I know that probably doesn't sound like that much of an achievement to most people, but to someone who had rarely eaten an unfamiliar food till they were in their 20's its a huge achievement. I used to have to recognise and know I liked the actual dish, which led to me mostly eating macaroni and cheese or a cheeseburger every time I ate out. Those were two things I knew I could eat, and I knew would be as I recognised them, there would be no surprises so I was ok with it. Now I could for talks sake eat a pasta with chicken and a cream sauce because I like all those things so it stands to reason that I would like the finished dish. I am still nervous trying a new dish, but not terrified to the point where I wont do it like I used to be.
I have also added four vegetables to my diet, well I guess I regained one. I used to eat tinned carrots as a child but stopped for some reason before I was ten, I now can eat carrots tinned or not. I also eat broccoli, parsnips and mushrooms. However I am very particular about how they are cooked, broccoli and carrots have to be cooked till soft, really soft and parsnips need to be boiled then oven roasted, mushrooms have to be well fried and can only eat them in the same mouthful as certain other foods. If I am having mushrooms with my chicken for talks sake, and I finish the chicken before I finish the mushrooms, I cant eat the rest of the mushrooms because they are too weird on their own. They have a weird texture that is sort of hidden by eating them in the same bite as something else. I eat all my veg in the same bite as something else, I can't eat any of them on my own.
I still eat no fruit, and I honestly don't know that I ever will. Unlike vegetables, I cant really hide them in the same bite as other foods. I tried to eat an apple once, but it didn't work out it was all hard but somehow still soft after I bit into it and it was also really sweet tasting and I don't really like sweet things all that much. I was proud of myself for trying though, its not an easy thing for me to do.
I would love to eat more healthily, especially since I have started to really struggle with my weight again. Believe me if I could change my diet I would, but I am resigned to the fact that I will never have a normal diet. I can make changes though, just changing the way some things are cooked can make them at least a little healthier. That is what I have been trying to do, I have been looking at the foods I do eat and trying to figure out what I can do to make them a little less unhealthy.
I am also trying to take my own food to university and work for lunch, that way its slightly healthier than the junk food that I can eat in the uni/work canteens which is usually something incredibly unhealthy like a burger and/or chips. The problem is that in uni, there is no way to heat anything up and I don't really eat any cold food other than sandwiches which to be honest I don't really love but can tolerate if I need to. In work I have access to a microwave and toaster so I try and make something ahead of time that can be reheated in the microwave and for breakfast I will have toast (I work 12 hour shifts so we usually have breakfast and lunch breaks).
I hope I have at least given you a little insight into what my problem is with food, its a really hard thing for me to explain because to be honest, I don't understand it myself.
Monday, 2 February 2015
Sunday, 1 February 2015
Growing up picky
When you are young people expect you to be a little fussy with food, but not to the extent I was. I would insist that I didn't like foods I had never tried, which may be reasonably normal but this has continued to adulthood.
It wasn't just that I refused to eat these things, it was how badly I refused that was the problem. I would get really upset about even the suggestion of eating certain things and a lot of food made me feel sick.
I also had to have foods prepared a certain way, or some foods could only be eaten with other foods. For example when I was really young I wouldn't eat any other vegetable but tinned carrots, if mum made fresh carrots I could tell the difference and wouldn't eat them. I eventually refused to eat all carrots for some reason, although they are one of only four vegetables I eat now as an adult.
For the most part, my picky eating really wasn't too much of a problem as a kid. Mum was really good about it and never forced anything on me or tried to hide vegetables in food (that's never a good idea, no matter what that television advert says, it creates trust issues). Sure she encouraged, and even sometimes begged me to eat things that were a bit more healthy; but she knew there was an issue here and never forced food on me.
School was a different matter, the food was horrible and you were forced to sit there until a teacher said you had eaten enough and could leave. I pretty much never got to leave, it was those potatoes. I hated those, the roast potatoes were sort of hard but also squishy and the boiled potatoes, although peeled, had a weird skin on them that made them inedible to me. I would happily eat both boiled and roast potatoes at home, although after a few years of being forced to at least try the school ones I started refusing boiled ones.
I tried as much as possible to get my mum to make me a packed lunch, but it wasn't always possible. for a while I got free school meals due to the family income and I sort of had to take them. It was awful. I went to a very small school and the teachers and dining room staff knew that I was 'funny' with food, but no one went out of their way to make life any easier, although in fairness I don't know what they could have done. The dinner ladies would say 'no veg for you' when I was telling them what I wanted because they knew me that well, they would then ask me if I wanted boiled or roast potatoes and when I said neither they told me I had to have one or the other. If they had just let me not have the potatoes lunch time would have been such a better experience, perhaps I could have finished my lunch like all of the other kids. Instead in my seven years of primary school, not once did I finish a school lunch. Oh and don't get me started on the puddings!
I still don't have much of a sweet tooth these days but back then I was even worse. I didn't eat anything sweet at all apart from cheesecake which my mum made from time to time, and a caramel slice type thing that the school would occasionally have; IF I could get them not to put custard on it! They would always cover your pudding in custard, whether you wanted it or not. Custard was actually the one other sweet thing I liked, but I liked cold custard from a can not this abomination of warm lumpy stuff that very vaguely resembled warm custard. Why on earth they cared whether I ate custard or not I really don't know, but whether you wanted it or not, you got custard on your pudding. It made me feel sick with those weird lumps in it.
High school was much better because you weren't made to eat a meal, you could have other things like chips or sandwiches and sometimes they had burgers too. I survived high school on chips and cheese or chicken sandwiches but at least I was eating something. School was a long day for me since I had to travel so far to get there so it was important that I at least ate something during the day. I would always come home from school starving because all I had eaten was a tiny portion of chips (they were meant as a side order) or a sandwich.
I avoided staying over at friends' houses because I didn't want to eat unfamiliar food, or to have to explain to a friend's mum that I couldn't eat something. I knew I had a strange relationship with food, but I didn't know till much later that I had a real problem. I have an eating disorder.
Actually the idea of me having an eating disorder wasn't entirely new to me, my doctor had mentioned to my mum that she was concerned that I might have bulimia in my early teens because I was sick so often and ate very little. Truth was I was literally terrified of being sick, I used to have full blown panic attacks where I was sure I was going to die pretty much every time I even felt like I might be sick. I am sure that made my food issues worse because if a food made me sick I would never eat it again in case I was sick again. There was no way I was deliberately making myself sick! I also never lost any weight or binge ate, which are both common with bulimia and although I was always overweight, I never cared about it. I wasn't a self-conscious kid, never cared what people thought of me. So the idea of bulimia was thankfully dismissed, unfortunately so was any attempt to find out what the problem actually was.
I saw the dietician once or twice, but she just told me I needed to eat better, which I already knew, and tried to convince me that I had to eat fruit and vegetables. No one ever tried to understand what the problem actually was, or if there was actually anything else that could be done to help me.
I honestly don't know if there is anything that can be done to help people like me, but it wouldn't have hurt for someone to try. At the very least it would have stopped me from shying away from doctors who clearly weren't going to actually try and do anything to help. I had bad kidneys growing up and was always in and out of hospital, but I wouldn't engage with treatment really because every time I went in they would weigh me, tell me I was overweight and that I needed to eat more fruits and vegetables. I stopped attending the renal clinic in my late teens, there wasn't really any point in going anymore. they told me there was nothing they could do for me anyway and the only thing they did do was moan at me about my weight.
It wasn't just that I refused to eat these things, it was how badly I refused that was the problem. I would get really upset about even the suggestion of eating certain things and a lot of food made me feel sick.
I also had to have foods prepared a certain way, or some foods could only be eaten with other foods. For example when I was really young I wouldn't eat any other vegetable but tinned carrots, if mum made fresh carrots I could tell the difference and wouldn't eat them. I eventually refused to eat all carrots for some reason, although they are one of only four vegetables I eat now as an adult.
For the most part, my picky eating really wasn't too much of a problem as a kid. Mum was really good about it and never forced anything on me or tried to hide vegetables in food (that's never a good idea, no matter what that television advert says, it creates trust issues). Sure she encouraged, and even sometimes begged me to eat things that were a bit more healthy; but she knew there was an issue here and never forced food on me.
School was a different matter, the food was horrible and you were forced to sit there until a teacher said you had eaten enough and could leave. I pretty much never got to leave, it was those potatoes. I hated those, the roast potatoes were sort of hard but also squishy and the boiled potatoes, although peeled, had a weird skin on them that made them inedible to me. I would happily eat both boiled and roast potatoes at home, although after a few years of being forced to at least try the school ones I started refusing boiled ones.
I tried as much as possible to get my mum to make me a packed lunch, but it wasn't always possible. for a while I got free school meals due to the family income and I sort of had to take them. It was awful. I went to a very small school and the teachers and dining room staff knew that I was 'funny' with food, but no one went out of their way to make life any easier, although in fairness I don't know what they could have done. The dinner ladies would say 'no veg for you' when I was telling them what I wanted because they knew me that well, they would then ask me if I wanted boiled or roast potatoes and when I said neither they told me I had to have one or the other. If they had just let me not have the potatoes lunch time would have been such a better experience, perhaps I could have finished my lunch like all of the other kids. Instead in my seven years of primary school, not once did I finish a school lunch. Oh and don't get me started on the puddings!
I still don't have much of a sweet tooth these days but back then I was even worse. I didn't eat anything sweet at all apart from cheesecake which my mum made from time to time, and a caramel slice type thing that the school would occasionally have; IF I could get them not to put custard on it! They would always cover your pudding in custard, whether you wanted it or not. Custard was actually the one other sweet thing I liked, but I liked cold custard from a can not this abomination of warm lumpy stuff that very vaguely resembled warm custard. Why on earth they cared whether I ate custard or not I really don't know, but whether you wanted it or not, you got custard on your pudding. It made me feel sick with those weird lumps in it.
High school was much better because you weren't made to eat a meal, you could have other things like chips or sandwiches and sometimes they had burgers too. I survived high school on chips and cheese or chicken sandwiches but at least I was eating something. School was a long day for me since I had to travel so far to get there so it was important that I at least ate something during the day. I would always come home from school starving because all I had eaten was a tiny portion of chips (they were meant as a side order) or a sandwich.
I avoided staying over at friends' houses because I didn't want to eat unfamiliar food, or to have to explain to a friend's mum that I couldn't eat something. I knew I had a strange relationship with food, but I didn't know till much later that I had a real problem. I have an eating disorder.
Actually the idea of me having an eating disorder wasn't entirely new to me, my doctor had mentioned to my mum that she was concerned that I might have bulimia in my early teens because I was sick so often and ate very little. Truth was I was literally terrified of being sick, I used to have full blown panic attacks where I was sure I was going to die pretty much every time I even felt like I might be sick. I am sure that made my food issues worse because if a food made me sick I would never eat it again in case I was sick again. There was no way I was deliberately making myself sick! I also never lost any weight or binge ate, which are both common with bulimia and although I was always overweight, I never cared about it. I wasn't a self-conscious kid, never cared what people thought of me. So the idea of bulimia was thankfully dismissed, unfortunately so was any attempt to find out what the problem actually was.
I saw the dietician once or twice, but she just told me I needed to eat better, which I already knew, and tried to convince me that I had to eat fruit and vegetables. No one ever tried to understand what the problem actually was, or if there was actually anything else that could be done to help me.
I honestly don't know if there is anything that can be done to help people like me, but it wouldn't have hurt for someone to try. At the very least it would have stopped me from shying away from doctors who clearly weren't going to actually try and do anything to help. I had bad kidneys growing up and was always in and out of hospital, but I wouldn't engage with treatment really because every time I went in they would weigh me, tell me I was overweight and that I needed to eat more fruits and vegetables. I stopped attending the renal clinic in my late teens, there wasn't really any point in going anymore. they told me there was nothing they could do for me anyway and the only thing they did do was moan at me about my weight.
Saturday, 31 January 2015
I am an adult picky eater
I am an adult picky eater, I have been picky all my life. Literally since I was born I would be sick every time I was fed, my diet is still pretty restrictive.
There are a few terms for it, the one I identify most with is Selective Eating Disorder (SED). some of the other definitions talk about avoiding food and it causing weight loss which is not my experience, or that of many other picky eaters I have had contact with over the years.
I don't know why I am the way I am, honestly I don't remember having a bad experience with food or anything like that but I am the way I am. I accept the way I am, but it doesn't mean it doesn't annoy me.
There is nothing worse than going for lunch with your friends and not being able to find a single thing you can eat on the menu. Thankfully this doesn't happen to me often as most places will have something I can eat like a burger or a sandwich, but it does happen occasionally.
I have been a freelance writer for years now, but I have never written about being a picky eater. Mostly because I genuinely didn't think anyone would be that interested in it. However last year after a terrible day at the doctor (I will no doubt get to that story later) I did a simple google search and my world changed.
I found out that I am not the only person like me, I am not weird there are many others like me. There is even a name for it (a few actually) and support groups which have been immensely helpful to me. I realised through the online support group I joined, that its not just about getting help for myself, its about the group coming together to help everyone from picky eaters, partners of picky eaters and parents of picky children. Seeing what parents go through with their children who struggle with food makes me think about how lucky I am that my mother was always so positive about food when I was little.
Most picky eaters can tell you horror stories about being force fed or made to sit at the table for hours until they ate their vegetables. I had none of this from my mother, my father was a bit of a different story (I will probably get to that at some point too) but for the most part, growing up I was ok.
I decided to start this blog after writing an (as yet unpublished) Ebook about my experience growing up as a picky eater. Writing the book made me realise that I have so much to say on the subject and that maybe I can help others going through the same thing. More than that, maybe I can help 'normal' eaters to understand what people like me go through. Its not about simply being fussy, its about physically not being able to eat certain foods.
Being honest, I am not too sure where this blog will take me. I will likely start off with a few posts explaining my food issues and what it was like for me growing up before moving on to more day to day life as a picky eater.
There are a few terms for it, the one I identify most with is Selective Eating Disorder (SED). some of the other definitions talk about avoiding food and it causing weight loss which is not my experience, or that of many other picky eaters I have had contact with over the years.
I don't know why I am the way I am, honestly I don't remember having a bad experience with food or anything like that but I am the way I am. I accept the way I am, but it doesn't mean it doesn't annoy me.
There is nothing worse than going for lunch with your friends and not being able to find a single thing you can eat on the menu. Thankfully this doesn't happen to me often as most places will have something I can eat like a burger or a sandwich, but it does happen occasionally.
I have been a freelance writer for years now, but I have never written about being a picky eater. Mostly because I genuinely didn't think anyone would be that interested in it. However last year after a terrible day at the doctor (I will no doubt get to that story later) I did a simple google search and my world changed.
I found out that I am not the only person like me, I am not weird there are many others like me. There is even a name for it (a few actually) and support groups which have been immensely helpful to me. I realised through the online support group I joined, that its not just about getting help for myself, its about the group coming together to help everyone from picky eaters, partners of picky eaters and parents of picky children. Seeing what parents go through with their children who struggle with food makes me think about how lucky I am that my mother was always so positive about food when I was little.
Most picky eaters can tell you horror stories about being force fed or made to sit at the table for hours until they ate their vegetables. I had none of this from my mother, my father was a bit of a different story (I will probably get to that at some point too) but for the most part, growing up I was ok.
I decided to start this blog after writing an (as yet unpublished) Ebook about my experience growing up as a picky eater. Writing the book made me realise that I have so much to say on the subject and that maybe I can help others going through the same thing. More than that, maybe I can help 'normal' eaters to understand what people like me go through. Its not about simply being fussy, its about physically not being able to eat certain foods.
Being honest, I am not too sure where this blog will take me. I will likely start off with a few posts explaining my food issues and what it was like for me growing up before moving on to more day to day life as a picky eater.
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